In my head today - Benjamin Orr

I've finally moved off of my all-BJM playlist for a while (mostly so I don't totally overdose before the show next week). So I went to an old mix and up came The Cars. Well, mostly it's Benjamin Orr that's in my head. This tells you how old I am: in high school my best friend and I sent him a fan letter. It's the only fan letter I've ever written. Here's just a sample of why I sent him the letter. I give you Candy-O:



Still trying to figure out an extra lyric in this version. Should "you" see this video and know what the hell he says, please for the love of god tell me. Is it "it appears you know" or "may I pierce you now?" Very different meanings. Veeerrrrryyyy different.

But back to Benjamin Orr. I think he's my favorite lead singer ever. Ever. Why? His voice. There's this sensual huskiness about his voice. Like they say, he could sing the phone book and I'd have loved it. And visually.... well, he was my type for a long time. He was very much pop-rock of the period (meaning it looks dated and dorky now). He definitely had a swagger, but he never looked dangerous. Yes, bad boys are always sexy, but at that time I needed a whole lot less danger in my life. A whole lot less. The Cars were weird and surreal and ironic. But they weren't dangerous.

I came back around to The Cars a couple of years ago - but only the songs that Benjamin Orr sang. Just not interested in the rest anymore. Apparently I abandoned The Cars sometime before this song came out:



It's got that late-80's boppy sort of tone that annoys me, and yet I LOVE this song. It's this lyric, this part of the song that I truly love. There's a (probably very high) beautific look he gets when he sings it, like a man truly in love. I hope he was. It certainly makes me feel kind of sparkly about my own love.

everything you say
leaves me full of shine
everything you say
crosses up my mind

And then.... there's this. Warning: it might be slightly shocking. It is from 2000 I think, just a few months before Benjamin Orr died of Pancreatic Cancer. I'm not sure why I include it - I guess it is the morbid  part of me. That part of me that is frightened by and drawn to the same things.



Seems like I should end on a more positive note - another video. I spent a long time trying to choose. In the end, I chose two. The first is "Think It Over" from their album Shake It Up.  What's going on all around Benjamin Orr (clearly a Star Wars fan :-p) is just crazy bad. The background vocals  - yikes - but he's in rare form.



The second one is a song called "Cruiser," also from Shake It Up. I just like it, that's all. It's a good driving song... which sorta makes sense.

In my head today - Happier Times

I've been listening to a certain type of music lately. You can sort of see it based on my previous posts, but also if you were to peer into my iPod you'd see a playlist called "Psycho-delia." I'm sure very smart people have put this music into very important categories. I hate categories, so I will just call it, "my current genre."

I have been (and continue to be) especially interested in The Brian Jonestown Massacre, of course. There's a long list of reasons for that. I don't feel like getting into it. Suffice to say that it has to do with being in awe of brilliance, and having a need to tap into the artist in me that doesn't play by someone else's rules, that comes from within rather than giving a flying turd about what others think.

I went back to the High Violets the other day.


And also Imogen Heap



Why? There are some sounds, some musical progressions, or vocals, or lyrics that energize me. Some secret sauce that hits me emotionally and unlock a teeny bit of joy each time I hear the song.

There's a lot of shit going on out there. The world is going down in flames - quite literally if you think about all of the volcanoes and the catastrophic damage in the Gulf of Mexico. War, poverty, death, destruction. I see images of this all the time in the music I've listened to lately (ironic since I initially got into it for the peace-love-understanding aspect). Add to that the really painful shit going on in my own life, and there's a spiral I can very easily fall into.

But in the end, I'm an optimist. In the end, I love people. I love animals, I love the spirits that surround me. I love love and joy and tender-heartedness. I want to see the good around me while I can. Here is just a short little vid that sums up where I'm coming from today:



And finally a completely dorky video that just makes me happy.



So hey, go ahead and be fascinated by the images of death, the super-cool drawings of skulls with snakes coming out of the eyes 'n shit. It has its own beauty, but I need a break from it. I guess I'm just not "cool" like all you kids.

In my head today - June Beach Music and BJM

There are two things I am looking forward to in June. The first is seeing the Brian Jonestown Massacre on June 17. Here's a little taste of what I look forward to:



The other thing I'm looking forward to is the family trip to Hawaii. Yes, it is totally selfish to go to Hawaii when there are so many other things going on. I consider this a little bit of a recharge/pre-charge for the big changes I'm facing in my life. The beach - Hawaii in particular - has always had a magical effect on me. The sultry salty air combined with the soothing sound of the waves and the un-earthly color of the water... it is enough to lull my fears and concerns into submission. In fact, it has a hypnotic effect on me. Nice.

The first time I knew this I was listening to this song while walking on a deserted beach in Mexico:



I recently fount this song by a group I've only barely heard of. I think this is my beach sound for this trip:

In my head today: Iggy Pop, and Anton Newcombe on a Rooftop

I was never really into punk. I lived in a small town with one (crappy) record store and one radio station.... and eventually MTV. That was my musical buffet. So I didn't get a lot of Iggy Pop, except through my one actually cool friend who had some musical taste and brought records back from the city once in a while.

Truth is, I think appreciating Iggy Pop takes a lot more emotional sophistication than I probably had at the time anyway.

This vid is in my head for a sort of tangential reason. The song is awesome, but the performer..... the description on YouTube is that it's an "incendiary" performance. I don't think that quite captures it - is there something beyond incendiary? This is a man that fully commits - body, soul, and psyche - to the music. He lets the music channel through him. If you hate the song, at least do this - skip forward to about 3:55, and watch until about 5:00.

Intensity, commitment. Something greater is happening between the performer, the song, the band, and the audience.

This is what any real artist wants, isn't it? I don't know if I'm a GOOD artist by any stretch of the imagination. Though I am apparently (by some accounts) PFG (pretty fucking good), I know that I am not a genius. Whether I am PFG or not, I can tell you that Iggy Pop captures the way I feel when I step on stage. Iggy Pop from 5:00 on is Lady Macbeth. It takes some way of emptying yourself out for a period of time and letting someone or something else in.

Speaking of which.... this next vid is an apparently infamous interview with Anton Newcombe. If you don't know who he is.... well for God's sake look up The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Or look at two or three of my previous posts. Right now BJM is opening something up in me that I can't quite explain, but I think it is good.

People say a lot about this interview, and usually in any description of any interview someone has to spout off with some version of "he's crazy" - it happens especially often when people talk about this one. I think that is just a bunch of shallow-minded horseshit. I don't know the guy except through music and the occasional interview I read so really what the fuck do I know? But think for a moment about art, about artists, about being a vessel for the creative spirit.



If Anton is "crazy" then I want some too. He's not crazy, he's just got the balls enough to talk about what it feels like to have artistic vision and enough courage to BE the art.

So today, I want to be Iggy Pop, and I want to experience the artistic vision/genius of Anton Newcombe.

I aspire to so little, right?

In my head today - a different direction

It just happens that I came upon this video shortly before I started rehearsals for the new show. So instead of whining about some problem or being saddened by the words to some song, I thought I'd just share the joy that is Brian Atene. I don't know him, but I love him anyway.

The start of a new show is always both exciting and terrifying. This one is particularly nerve-wracking and exciting as it is a new company and a difficult role. It is also a show I probably should not be doing, simply because of my life. But that is another story. I consider this the last time I'll do any acting for a while. I don't mean that in the "all actors say that" way - I mean very specifically that it is unlikely I'll be able to fit a show into the demands of taking care of my mother.

So, let's hope it is a good one, then! If all else fails perhaps I'll break out a little Outsiders monologue. Pony Boy is always popular with the local audiences....

Hey, worked for Brian Atene. Bravo, sir, bravo!!

In my head today: Gravenhurst - Black Holes in the Sand

It's interesting to think about what it is that "gets" me in a song. There are a variety of things that can do it. Sometimes it's a great "hook," sometimes there's something haunting in a melody, sometimes it is a combination. In this particular case, it is two things. First, the visual in the video takes me someplace lovely. It eerily matches my Channel, you'll notice.

But before I saw this video, what got me was a single line:

"In the small hours, I realize what I have done"

I spend a lot of time thinking about those things in the "small hours" - I can be nodding off the entire evening, barely able to get my clothes off and get into bed. But as soon as the light goes out and the quiet time sets in.... little voices begin whispering to me. Lists start forming in my head, images of things done and undone pass by. Some float easily away and move the next image into my head. Other times they sit. The image plants itself, and then it slowly morphs from one image to the other, each one more distressing than the last.

When I am lucky, these images are of simple things. Why did I forget to call the mechanic becomes an image of me on the side of the road w/ my car broken down. the image of an impending meeting turns into me sitting at my desk with no way to finish my projects. Items for the grocery list float by. Mundane things. Those are the easy ones.

Others are much more painful. The larger things. The damage that once done cannot be undone. The damage of what has been left undone too long. Most nights, I see my mother sitting alone in her house, quiet and frightened - not moving much, not really doing anything but staring, and crying. Crying from fear, crying from a feeling of utter abandonment, wondering why there is no one there to care for her. Often I will hear my father's voice, wondering why I have to work so much, why he never gets to see me. Standing at his grave wondering how I missed so much of his last years - the only years we really had together. Just a reminder about priorities, and lessons I should have learned by now.

In the small hours, I realize what I have done.

Or not done.

In my head today - Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt. God, what a moment when I discovered them! Like finding myself. You want to know who I am? Listen to the following songs:

Seether:


Volcano Girls:


How many years did I spend being the girl with the temper? No,I mean REALLY a temper. Nothing like living up to the stereotype of the angry redhead. And then once I was "sane", how many years have I tried to drag the Seether back into its hole, kicking and screaming and fighting and hitting things? No, I'm not angry anymore. No, life's good and I'm calm, I'm a f*#%ing optimist, okay?

No really, life is good.