In My Head Today: Waking Up to Hand Grenades

Ah, the Brian Jonestown Massacre. We return to an ongoing theme. The good news is that The BJM have a brand new album out! Aufheben is fantastic. Finally, something new that I feel like listening to! It's kind of like the adult contemporary version of Their Satanic Majesty's Second Request. One thing that is totally cool about this is that Anton Newcombe, my favorite musical genius (as I've already noted) recorded the entire process of building the album on his broadcast station, DeadTV (see the DeadTV Facebook page and DeadTV). He released rough cuts almost immediately - often coming home from his studio and uploading or broadcasting his work the same day. So watching the process was cool. He put out something like 20 songs in this way, eventually shaping 11 of them into a full album.

His last album, Who Killed Sgt. Pepper was.... different. Dark. Very, very dark songs. I've posted some of them before. I'd draw your attention to the song, "Someplace Else Unknown" for a sample. Mind you, I loved most of the songs on the album. I was in a dark and twisty space myself so it totally fit my mood.

Nearly every review I've read of Aufheben says it is a "return to their previous style." Well, that's true, I guess. It is certainly more like their style prior to My Bloody Underground  and WKSP. As I've said before, I'm no expert and I'm no music critic. I just know what I like. I like that "aufheben" means - simultaneously - "to abolish" and "to preserve." Or as Anton has put it, "tearing apart something to save it." Hm. I can think of a number of personal situations in which I may have been saved by being torn apart.

But back to the video - or rather, the song. There were some dark times during the year or so that this album was conceived and recorded. Terrible world events, darkening moods, illness, etc. So imagine my surprise when I heard these lyrics (disclaimer: this is an approximation based on some of the lyrics sites. I think there are some inaccuracies, but it's close enough to make the point):

A voice from the ancient's
From way back in time
A gift from the sages
The melody fine
We've come to the altar
There's nothing to fear
Our waiting is over...
The good times are here

You're sleeping of late
You stay up all night
And going to church discretely
And turning out right
It's building an army
I wish you was here
Cause we're taking over

Our Time is here
Our time is here
Grab all the children
(inaudible)
Cause we're taking over
We're finally free
There's no way to change it
Cause this is our year
And we're gonna live forever

It's finally here
It's finally clear

Gather the children
And family near
And spread the goodness
It's finally here
The wisdom of ancients
The god of all time
He's finally found you
It's gonna be fine

It's gonna be ok.
It's gonna be fine.

I'll be honest: I cried. For me, this is a hopeful song. For the past year or so, life events have ratcheted up. In addition to the ongoing deterioration of my mother's health, there has been a huge tumult at work - interestingly, our organization has been abolished and rebuilt, in order to preserve it. Hm. Just figured that one out as I'm writing this! Mind blowing. At any rate, during this time of tumult and angst, hearing someone who has clearly battled his own demons sing, "It's gonna be fine" was pretty fucking powerful.

One other point of oddity - on iTunes, the song is called "Walking Up to Hand Grenades." WTF???

In my head today - June Beach Music and BJM

There are two things I am looking forward to in June. The first is seeing the Brian Jonestown Massacre on June 17. Here's a little taste of what I look forward to:



The other thing I'm looking forward to is the family trip to Hawaii. Yes, it is totally selfish to go to Hawaii when there are so many other things going on. I consider this a little bit of a recharge/pre-charge for the big changes I'm facing in my life. The beach - Hawaii in particular - has always had a magical effect on me. The sultry salty air combined with the soothing sound of the waves and the un-earthly color of the water... it is enough to lull my fears and concerns into submission. In fact, it has a hypnotic effect on me. Nice.

The first time I knew this I was listening to this song while walking on a deserted beach in Mexico:



I recently fount this song by a group I've only barely heard of. I think this is my beach sound for this trip:

In my head today: Too much shit, not enough space

It's not so much that the song has been going through my head all day - though I have listened to it 3-4 times. It's just that this song matches the knot in the pit of my stomach so well.

Yesterday's video was about moving through fear. Today it is about the anxious pile of goo that rumbles in my stomach - sitting squarely on some chakra that I cannot name.

It was either use this video, or "She's Lost Control" by Joy Division. Of the two, this video and song are slightly less frightening to me. Tonight this Brian Jonestown Massacre song is an uneasy fit on my shoulders, and tonight Joy Division is a straightjacket.

It's sure catchy as hell though, isn't it?

"It damned near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see."

The knot grows. Today I was thinking about broken people. I am a broken person, so I speak from experience here. And I thought to myself about people who have little pieces broken off inside. Things that "damned near took [their] life and kicked the shit out of [them]." We are like vases. The beautiful, rare vase sitting on the mantle that falls and breaks. You can painstakingly glue the pieces together, but you never really get a vase out of it. You get pieces of glass glued together. It has its own beauty - perhaps the act of gluing it back makes it look more like a piece of fine art than a functional vase. But it is not a vase.

So it is with broken people. I am glued back together. I am glued by a strong epoxy and I'm not going to break again (act as if, so be it), but I am not a vase. And that is actually okay. I LIKE broken people. Those that have managed to glue themselves back together are beautiful, strong people with a will to survive. They are the "fuck the world I'm sticking around" people.

I think of Ian Curtis (going back to Joy Division) - I've only just discovered him. I am a woman over 40 with a passion for music, and I didn't ever land on JOY DIVISION? What the fuck is wrong with me?? Oh yea, I grew up in a little shit town with one radio station. Riiiiiight. I'll flog myself for that later.

Anyway, suicide. It scares me, and at the same time I have some kind of attraction to it. I've walked that line before. I don't walk it anymore. So listen person who is not reading this, I am NOT suicidal okay? Don't go rounding up the looney wagon for me. I'm just saying, there is something about pondering it, playing with it in my head that keeps me strong.

I am strong because I am weak. You dig?

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In my head today: Brian Jonestown Massacre - Yeah Yeah

This song, and this version of it, hit me on an emotional level. A lot of BJM music does that. But this one speaks to the part of me that hears that little voice scream in my head. I've searched for a good copy of the full lyrics and I don't find anything I think actually comes close. Maybe some day Anton Newcombe will come out with a book of poetry based on his lyrics. That would be totally cool. I am not kidding - his words are amazing.

Anyway I'd leave it to others to interpret the exact words he's singing in this video - or hey you know Anton could drop by here anytime and clarify them right? (har har) What I hear is the ringing of my own pain in my ears, of all the voices that scream in my head, that feel so scary, that tell me to worry.....

What runs in your head?