It's not so much that the song has been going through my head all day - though I have listened to it 3-4 times. It's just that this song matches the knot in the pit of my stomach so well.
Yesterday's video was about moving through fear. Today it is about the anxious pile of goo that rumbles in my stomach - sitting squarely on some chakra that I cannot name.
It was either use this video, or "She's Lost Control" by Joy Division. Of the two, this video and song are slightly less frightening to me. Tonight this Brian Jonestown Massacre song is an uneasy fit on my shoulders, and tonight Joy Division is a straightjacket.
It's sure catchy as hell though, isn't it?
"It damned near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see."
The knot grows. Today I was thinking about broken people. I am a broken person, so I speak from experience here. And I thought to myself about people who have little pieces broken off inside. Things that "damned near took [their] life and kicked the shit out of [them]." We are like vases. The beautiful, rare vase sitting on the mantle that falls and breaks. You can painstakingly glue the pieces together, but you never really get a vase out of it. You get pieces of glass glued together. It has its own beauty - perhaps the act of gluing it back makes it look more like a piece of fine art than a functional vase. But it is not a vase.
So it is with broken people. I am glued back together. I am glued by a strong epoxy and I'm not going to break again (act as if, so be it), but I am not a vase. And that is actually okay. I LIKE broken people. Those that have managed to glue themselves back together are beautiful, strong people with a will to survive. They are the "fuck the world I'm sticking around" people.
I think of Ian Curtis (going back to Joy Division) - I've only just discovered him. I am a woman over 40 with a passion for music, and I didn't ever land on JOY DIVISION? What the fuck is wrong with me?? Oh yea, I grew up in a little shit town with one radio station. Riiiiiight. I'll flog myself for that later.
Anyway, suicide. It scares me, and at the same time I have some kind of attraction to it. I've walked that line before. I don't walk it anymore. So listen person who is not reading this, I am NOT suicidal okay? Don't go rounding up the looney wagon for me. I'm just saying, there is something about pondering it, playing with it in my head that keeps me strong.
I am strong because I am weak. You dig?
more about "brian jonestown massacre - dropping b...", posted with vodpod
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