In my head today - June Beach Music and BJM

There are two things I am looking forward to in June. The first is seeing the Brian Jonestown Massacre on June 17. Here's a little taste of what I look forward to:



The other thing I'm looking forward to is the family trip to Hawaii. Yes, it is totally selfish to go to Hawaii when there are so many other things going on. I consider this a little bit of a recharge/pre-charge for the big changes I'm facing in my life. The beach - Hawaii in particular - has always had a magical effect on me. The sultry salty air combined with the soothing sound of the waves and the un-earthly color of the water... it is enough to lull my fears and concerns into submission. In fact, it has a hypnotic effect on me. Nice.

The first time I knew this I was listening to this song while walking on a deserted beach in Mexico:



I recently fount this song by a group I've only barely heard of. I think this is my beach sound for this trip:

In my head today: Too much shit, not enough space

It's not so much that the song has been going through my head all day - though I have listened to it 3-4 times. It's just that this song matches the knot in the pit of my stomach so well.

Yesterday's video was about moving through fear. Today it is about the anxious pile of goo that rumbles in my stomach - sitting squarely on some chakra that I cannot name.

It was either use this video, or "She's Lost Control" by Joy Division. Of the two, this video and song are slightly less frightening to me. Tonight this Brian Jonestown Massacre song is an uneasy fit on my shoulders, and tonight Joy Division is a straightjacket.

It's sure catchy as hell though, isn't it?

"It damned near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see."

The knot grows. Today I was thinking about broken people. I am a broken person, so I speak from experience here. And I thought to myself about people who have little pieces broken off inside. Things that "damned near took [their] life and kicked the shit out of [them]." We are like vases. The beautiful, rare vase sitting on the mantle that falls and breaks. You can painstakingly glue the pieces together, but you never really get a vase out of it. You get pieces of glass glued together. It has its own beauty - perhaps the act of gluing it back makes it look more like a piece of fine art than a functional vase. But it is not a vase.

So it is with broken people. I am glued back together. I am glued by a strong epoxy and I'm not going to break again (act as if, so be it), but I am not a vase. And that is actually okay. I LIKE broken people. Those that have managed to glue themselves back together are beautiful, strong people with a will to survive. They are the "fuck the world I'm sticking around" people.

I think of Ian Curtis (going back to Joy Division) - I've only just discovered him. I am a woman over 40 with a passion for music, and I didn't ever land on JOY DIVISION? What the fuck is wrong with me?? Oh yea, I grew up in a little shit town with one radio station. Riiiiiight. I'll flog myself for that later.

Anyway, suicide. It scares me, and at the same time I have some kind of attraction to it. I've walked that line before. I don't walk it anymore. So listen person who is not reading this, I am NOT suicidal okay? Don't go rounding up the looney wagon for me. I'm just saying, there is something about pondering it, playing with it in my head that keeps me strong.

I am strong because I am weak. You dig?

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In my head today: Brian Jonestown Massacre - Yeah Yeah

This song, and this version of it, hit me on an emotional level. A lot of BJM music does that. But this one speaks to the part of me that hears that little voice scream in my head. I've searched for a good copy of the full lyrics and I don't find anything I think actually comes close. Maybe some day Anton Newcombe will come out with a book of poetry based on his lyrics. That would be totally cool. I am not kidding - his words are amazing.

Anyway I'd leave it to others to interpret the exact words he's singing in this video - or hey you know Anton could drop by here anytime and clarify them right? (har har) What I hear is the ringing of my own pain in my ears, of all the voices that scream in my head, that feel so scary, that tell me to worry.....

What runs in your head?