In my head today: Gravenhurst - Black Holes in the Sand

It's interesting to think about what it is that "gets" me in a song. There are a variety of things that can do it. Sometimes it's a great "hook," sometimes there's something haunting in a melody, sometimes it is a combination. In this particular case, it is two things. First, the visual in the video takes me someplace lovely. It eerily matches my Channel, you'll notice.

But before I saw this video, what got me was a single line:

"In the small hours, I realize what I have done"

I spend a lot of time thinking about those things in the "small hours" - I can be nodding off the entire evening, barely able to get my clothes off and get into bed. But as soon as the light goes out and the quiet time sets in.... little voices begin whispering to me. Lists start forming in my head, images of things done and undone pass by. Some float easily away and move the next image into my head. Other times they sit. The image plants itself, and then it slowly morphs from one image to the other, each one more distressing than the last.

When I am lucky, these images are of simple things. Why did I forget to call the mechanic becomes an image of me on the side of the road w/ my car broken down. the image of an impending meeting turns into me sitting at my desk with no way to finish my projects. Items for the grocery list float by. Mundane things. Those are the easy ones.

Others are much more painful. The larger things. The damage that once done cannot be undone. The damage of what has been left undone too long. Most nights, I see my mother sitting alone in her house, quiet and frightened - not moving much, not really doing anything but staring, and crying. Crying from fear, crying from a feeling of utter abandonment, wondering why there is no one there to care for her. Often I will hear my father's voice, wondering why I have to work so much, why he never gets to see me. Standing at his grave wondering how I missed so much of his last years - the only years we really had together. Just a reminder about priorities, and lessons I should have learned by now.

In the small hours, I realize what I have done.

Or not done.