In My Head Today:Smells Like Bubblegum

This just blew my mind, and so after a five year absence, I'm dipping into this little blog for a moment.

First, I have to say that the original version of this song changed my life. Trite, over-used, but true. It 100% changed my taste in music and sent me on a new trajectory. It also provided the kick-off point and a soundtrack to a few years of very bad behavior that I enjoyed tremendously.  :-)

Be that as it may...

I was a musician once - sort of. I sang for many years, I was in band for a long time, and music has obviously been so dear to me that I have this private blog no one knows about that I pour a few words into now and again. But I don't *understand* music. That is, I've never taken music theory, and I was never great at site reading. I have a great ear and I pick up harmonies easily and all that, but I can't explain to you what it is about any given song makes me feel a certain way. At a high level, I guess I understand that there's a difference between major and minor keys and they have a completely different impact. I can FEEL it, but I cannot EXPLAIN it.

Whatever. That's not really the point. Someone took this iconic song and auto-tuned it into a new key, thus turning it into a 90's pop song. What the fuck? Damn, it's catchy in that kind of grating but really listenable way. I'm annoyed at how much I enjoyed it with my old(er) ears.

Here is what struck me -

When I first heard Smells Like Teen Spirit, although I couldn't articulate it, I felt it was almost a done deal that Kurt Cobain would be dead soon. You can HEAR IT IN THE SONG. The song itself is a tragedy. I know, hindsight, right? I stand by that opinion.

Now THIS guy (this fictional dude that's been auto-tuned), our pretend Kurt.... he'd be touring as a nostalgia act right now, maybe with Blind Melon, or Blur, or maybe The Verve. This guy would have lived. Would have had some down years. Would have struggled for sure, but then he'd have pulled out of it and gone into the world of soundtracks, or music for video games, or some other use of his musical talents.

Ugh..... I mean, I hate that Kurt Cobain is gone, but THAT might have been a much bigger tragedy.



Here's a link to the Esquire article that explains it a little bit better than I can.

Oh, and by the way, There is much to catch up on in this blog. Bowie fucking died on us. SO MANY MUSICIANS HAVE DIED lately. More on that later, maybe. After all, no one sees this thing right??

In My Head: Today: David Bowie - Love Is Lost (Hello Steve Reich Mix by James Murphy for t...

(WARNING: NSFW but toooooootally worth it!)

A little less than a year ago, I was sitting in bed, having come home from some evening activity or other. I was catching up on the Tweets of the day, when something caught my eye.

Duncan Jones @ManMadeMoon

Would be lovely if all of you could spread the word about da's new album. First in ten years, and its a good 'un!  http://www.davidbowie.com/the-next-day

I screamed like a little girl.

For those not hip to the fact, Duncan Jones is, in fact, David Bowie's son. So this was for REALS!

Okay, admittedly, I came to the David Bowie party late (see previous post about my year-long Bowie "catch-up" phase). But once I was in, I was waaaay in. So, hints of a new album were devastating... good devastating. Mind blowing, in fact.

But this January announcement wasn't about the actual album, it was an announcement that an album was on the way.

The Next Day - it seemed like the next year before the darned thing came out.

After months of waiting, a first video came out. The Stars (Are Out Tonight) is a mini-movie starring The Thin White Duke and Tilda Swinton. Right there, we are talking about something wonderful. Tilda is the new Bowie, after all! The album followed and OH  MY GOD! True Bowie. Poetic, melodic, weird, harsh, catchy - you name it. It was all there.

But, back to the video above. The song is one of my favorites on the album. This remix of the song is incredible, the video just mesmerizing. Every video that has accompanied The Next Day has been visually stunning. Works of art, befitting the man himself. It even includes some catch-it-if-you-can Bowie sightings. But this one.... it just sucks me in every time I see it. I pull up the link to send to a friend, or I post it on my FB page, or start a blog post with it and.... If I see more than about 30 seconds, I will undoubtedly watch the entire thing.

I don't have any ending for this entry. I don't have a deep insight into how this video reflects or informs my own life. I just fucking love this video. And should you happen onto this page, set aside 10 minutes (Remember the warning! NSFW) and enjoy.

In My Head Today: Vad hände med dem? - brian jonestown massacre

Huh.... go away from your blog for a little while, and suddenly it becomes MUCH easier to manage. Last time I visited, back when I was playing with this blog sorta-kinda regularly, I had to go through a painful process of grabbing the right link from YouTube and copying it into the post, hoping it would land correctly. Going back through my posts, there are some videos that aren't there anymore, or maybe never were. I was never totally sure that the process had worked.

Now I just click the "B" under the video and Whoomp, there it is!

So, Welcome Back Siren! Of course I rejoin this world with our usual hero: Brian Jonestown Massacre. Anton is building another album. Through the voyeuristic world of the Internet, we've been able to watch life giving him amazing highs and frightening lows since the last album came out. Music continued to pour out of his soul and onto YouTube. For a while there were soundtracks and disco mixes - new directions and experiments. And then slowly songs in the more traditional BJM vein started to emerge. Watching the Twitter feed, we got to hear first hand how he struggled to create tracks that he liked. As with Aufheben, we have watched more and more tracks emerge. Today's entry is just one of many that are being shaped and molded into what I think is going to be a stunning album. (you can head over to Anton's YouTube Channel if you want the sneak peek)

Some songwriters scratch some words together on paper, add a good beat and auto-tune the fuck out of it... and they call it good. In contrast we have these lyrics (As posted with the video, translated from Swedish):

nothing is right, nothing is good, nothing is the way is should
something went wrong so long long ago, something broke inside because of all those things we said
but I hope the winter will come soon and shut this whole town down
the snow will cover everything, every mistake we've ever made
go straight into the nothingness, just shut down and turn off
go straight into the nothingness, just shut down and turn off
keep on talking all you want but no one's listening anyway
you think you see something better up ahead, stretch out your hand and try to reach it
your lies are so full of holes that the sun is shining through
just let the light crash through your brain and wash everything away
just let the light crash through your brain and wash everything away

So... ya. Not so much on the "oooh, baby baby" line of songwriting. I think this is an example of why I hate listening to Top 40 radio. Oh sure, that Katy Perry song "Roar" (and no, I will NOT be linking to that vid) is a big Happy Independence Day To Me song, but for me it still rings hollow. I'm not sure how to describe the difference. Surely she's gone through something and come out the other side, and she's written a song about breaking free and asserting her freedom. Perhaps someone more eloquent than I can explain why that sounds shallow in comparison. I think Lou Reed started to touch on it in his final interview. It doesn't totally answer my question, but I will say that the depth of meaning he found in sound was... music to my ears.

Dear reader-who-is-not-there, I have so much music swirling in, around and through me. With this note I hope to kick myself in the ass and start to write again.

In My Head Today: Waking Up to Hand Grenades

Ah, the Brian Jonestown Massacre. We return to an ongoing theme. The good news is that The BJM have a brand new album out! Aufheben is fantastic. Finally, something new that I feel like listening to! It's kind of like the adult contemporary version of Their Satanic Majesty's Second Request. One thing that is totally cool about this is that Anton Newcombe, my favorite musical genius (as I've already noted) recorded the entire process of building the album on his broadcast station, DeadTV (see the DeadTV Facebook page and DeadTV). He released rough cuts almost immediately - often coming home from his studio and uploading or broadcasting his work the same day. So watching the process was cool. He put out something like 20 songs in this way, eventually shaping 11 of them into a full album.

His last album, Who Killed Sgt. Pepper was.... different. Dark. Very, very dark songs. I've posted some of them before. I'd draw your attention to the song, "Someplace Else Unknown" for a sample. Mind you, I loved most of the songs on the album. I was in a dark and twisty space myself so it totally fit my mood.

Nearly every review I've read of Aufheben says it is a "return to their previous style." Well, that's true, I guess. It is certainly more like their style prior to My Bloody Underground  and WKSP. As I've said before, I'm no expert and I'm no music critic. I just know what I like. I like that "aufheben" means - simultaneously - "to abolish" and "to preserve." Or as Anton has put it, "tearing apart something to save it." Hm. I can think of a number of personal situations in which I may have been saved by being torn apart.

But back to the video - or rather, the song. There were some dark times during the year or so that this album was conceived and recorded. Terrible world events, darkening moods, illness, etc. So imagine my surprise when I heard these lyrics (disclaimer: this is an approximation based on some of the lyrics sites. I think there are some inaccuracies, but it's close enough to make the point):

A voice from the ancient's
From way back in time
A gift from the sages
The melody fine
We've come to the altar
There's nothing to fear
Our waiting is over...
The good times are here

You're sleeping of late
You stay up all night
And going to church discretely
And turning out right
It's building an army
I wish you was here
Cause we're taking over

Our Time is here
Our time is here
Grab all the children
(inaudible)
Cause we're taking over
We're finally free
There's no way to change it
Cause this is our year
And we're gonna live forever

It's finally here
It's finally clear

Gather the children
And family near
And spread the goodness
It's finally here
The wisdom of ancients
The god of all time
He's finally found you
It's gonna be fine

It's gonna be ok.
It's gonna be fine.

I'll be honest: I cried. For me, this is a hopeful song. For the past year or so, life events have ratcheted up. In addition to the ongoing deterioration of my mother's health, there has been a huge tumult at work - interestingly, our organization has been abolished and rebuilt, in order to preserve it. Hm. Just figured that one out as I'm writing this! Mind blowing. At any rate, during this time of tumult and angst, hearing someone who has clearly battled his own demons sing, "It's gonna be fine" was pretty fucking powerful.

One other point of oddity - on iTunes, the song is called "Walking Up to Hand Grenades." WTF???

In my head today: catching up and discovering Bowie

Well, just to update on the past year or so....

I've been through a right long David Bowie phase and come out the other side. Not a huge Bowie fan back in the day (though I did love him in The Hunger), so I had a LOT of great music to discover.  Just to catch us up, here are a few of the videos I love best.

David Bowie: Cracked Actor

Well, I like anything called "cracked actor" - makes me think of some actors I know and love... who are definitely cracked! Anyway, this is a version from the 90's - about 20 years after he wrote the song. Better version, I think.

David Bowie: The Pretty Things are Going to Hell

Revisiting old demons. Epic.

David Bowie: Bring Me the Disco King

This is the last song on the last album of new work that he's made. Bowie fans are ever-hopeful that he's *thisclose* to putting out something new. In the meantime, we have a truly haunting [possible} end to a mind-blowing recording career. He lives on, produces art and generally enjoys life I hear. Good on him!

In My Head Today: Song to the Siren

Only fitting.

In My Head Today: Eleven is Waiting

Homeland - "Baby Anton" (Anton Alfred Newcombe)
For the record, I got the "Baby Anton" quote from Anton's own introduction to the song on his UStream channel, DeadTV.  If you have not checked out DeadTV, do it N.O.W. It defies description, but it is thought-provoking, riveting, entertaining, and there's a lot of great music being played.


           

  Homeland - Eleven Is Waiting
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

This song is new to me. Just heard it today for the first time. It's an old song by Anton Newcombe (of Brian Jonestown Massacre), made prior to BJM. So that's a long time ago. And it's soooooo much better than 100% of the crap you hear on the radio today. From over 20 years ago!

I am not sure who did the animation, but it's a beautiful match.

What interests me about this song (today) is that it speaks to my heart, and yet I don't have a clue what the words are yet. I tend to listen to music in an obsessive, repetitive fashion, in order to understand the lyrics. (doesn't always work, mind you....) Sometimes, though, the vibe is there before the lyrics. It reminds me that music is speaking to the unconscious in us. It's more than a cerebral exercise, you know? Music is part of your SOUL people!

Maybe that explains why music changes people's mood so much. "Music hath powers to soothe the savage beast" and all that. Without stereotyping people, I'll speak from my own heart and experience. Most of the songs I've posted here in the past are mood-altering substances for me. Nine Inch Nails will put me in a very specific mood - or enhance what's sitting just below the surface. My Bloody Valentine does the same thing.

Here's another one that alters my mood tremendously:


This one speaks to my fucked-up inner 15 year old.

Well, life calls and that's all I've got time to say today.

Eleven is Waiting.

In my head today: Panic

Today's theme: panic

I've just pulled random videos about panic. I mean I guess this is my thing right - I talk about shit going on in my head, or in my life, and I pair it with videos that somehow work with the theme. It's been months now since I've come over here to dither on about something. There are two very distinct reasons for this. First, I am quite simply too busy. Life exploded over the summer, and I can't seem to catch up. I know it was the right thing to do to bring my mother up from her little apartment on the coast. I know this. But I'm a planner. I prepare, I project manage. This hasn't been well planned, and so there's a lot of chaos going on.

Chaos - there's a theme to explore.

I don't think well with clutter around me. I'm one of those people. I always feel just a little gnawing at my soul when things are cluttered and I need to think. It's all just an illusion of course, because truly my best brainstorming turns into chaos. That's kind of the fun of it. A dogpile of thoughts and good creative energy.

This isn't that kind of chaos. Good chaos = creativity. Bad chaos = danger.

I decided to be a "yes" person at work this quarter as well. Sure, of course I can do your project. Yes, I would love to present for your conference. I can't think of anything more fun than designing this two day meeting. Oh and please let me write that book chapter. Now that one was important to me. I mean all of my projects mean something and I enjoy just about everything I work on. But this piece for the book. A book being put together in honor of a man that I truly cared for and admired. Outside of my normal scope of work, it fell outside of what I could realistically work on.

So, the first reason I've been scarce has just been a matter of time.

But I'm being vague, aren't I? And that leads to reason #2. I am a pressure cooker, you see. The lid is clamped on tight so that nothing escapes. Inside the pot, things are whirling around, getting hotter and hotter. But on the outside, everything must remain calm.

To cut the shit a little bit on this one - inside me I'm just a mess. But I can't lose my grip. I can't get upset or let myself feel anything too deeply, because I just don't have time for the mess that would ensue. I know how many things I have not been doing. I know how many visits I have missed with my mother. I know how much of her move there is yet to sort out. I know that I need to take care of her life to the same extent I should take care of my own. My lists grow longer and longer and I am slower and slower to cross things off.

But this isn't about lists, or finances, or appointments. It's about grief and loss and fear. It is about the image I have in my head EVERY SINGLE night - and often during the day if I don't keep myself distracted - of what my mother is doing. Of HOW she is doing. Of what happens when she is all alone. Because I know that I am not taking care of her to the extent that she needs it. I know I am failing at this task. I can feel her fear from six blocks away.

I hear it in the reports from my brother and husband. Asking for me. Mad that I am "never there." I do not think I am making things up when I say that what my mother wants (needs?) is me, there, all the time. But I can't do that. That cannot happen for a laundry list of reasons.

I remember my father's sad voice near the end of his life. "I miss you. I wish you did not have to work so hard, so that I could see you more."

Ha! So here's the appropriate video for that:


So there you go. Except that child that's growing up? That is my mother sinking deeper into her illness, and she's never going to be independent and not need me anymore. She just isn't going to know me at all.

And so there is panic. The sheer agony of knowing that I am hurting another person.... not just any person, but my mother, whom I have loved and admired (though not always respected... I mean I was a teenager at some point) my whole life. It is my fault. You can logic me out of that argument all you want, and I will still know it is true. Her Alzheimer's is not my fault. No, I don't blame myself for her genetic mutations.

Whatever. I'm tired now so it's time to wrap up another super-cheery version of my little blog. But look, when I say my "inner siren," I mean two things, right? I mean the beautiful woman inside me that sings and is stirred by beautiful music. But I also mean the horrible wailing noise that deafens me on occasions like tonight.

I do my best. I do my best.

So anyway, here are a few songs about panic.

In my head today - silence

I started this post at 7:13 pm. Hm... that's my birthday. 7/13. Nice synchronicity there.
Oh! Now I have a video to add:




I am in a place that only strikes when I'm truly stressed. There is no music in my head (except for some gawdawful deedle-dee from an ice cream truck). So here I am wanting to write, and this is my little blog, and I've got no music in my head.

But, having put the Police in above, now I'm on a roll. I'm here in my little hometown. I don't visit often - I don't really like the place all that much. I've got one old friend here, a few newer friends, and there are the beaches (which are stunning). Other than that, I've got no use for this place. But I'm here in my mother's apartment, which is high on a hill and faces my high school. It's been a loooooong time since I was there, and yet even as recently at last night it haunted my dreams.

So here is another very specific video from my high school days. I believe this was the theme of my Junior Prom:



Okay, now this is fun! Let's do another....



So here I am, with open arms.... excuse me while I verp a little. Sorry Journey - great, great song. Too many memories.

So we have musical memories, we have me in my mother's apartment, and I'm looking at my high school. I'm packing up my mother's things, preparing to leave this place for good as we move her 200 miles away so she's closer to her kids. So in theory, I won't need to come back. But perhaps I will anyway. This week I am alone in the house, save three very sweet kitties wondering what the hell is going on. Three days in, they finally gave up and decided that, since I was feeding them and all, I guess I'm sorta all right.

It is a sad time. Still watching my mother slip away into the Alzheimer's fog. It's been a bad couple of weeks - but as bad as it is for me and my family, I know it is much, much worse for her. Not much of a consolation, but it does help me show compassion and kindness.

So here is one just for my mama:



Kiri Te Kanawa is an amazing woman, someone that my mother loves. My mother herself is a fantastic soprano, even well into her senior years. If I had a video of her, I'd add it here. But her voice is merely a memory in my head, her music in my heart.

In my head today: David Bowie

The Pretty Things Are Going to Hell



A lot could be said about this song, and the video itself seems to speak volumes. I've tried for a while now to describe it but can't put words around my thoughts. Phrases come to mind.

You've forgotten the beauty
You've killed the beauty in me
What I once thought was beautiful I now see is actually ugly and cursed - did you do that to me, was the "truth" revealed, or is it a pack of shit?

"I'm reaching the very edge, you know.... I'm reaching the very edge..."

The next car in my unusual train of thought was The Elephant Man. Huh? For those that don't remember here's just a brief review, courtesy of the 1980 movie:




David Bowie performed this role on Broadway. With no make-up. David Bowie is physically a beautiful man. (I have no idea but I suspect he's pretty awesome on the inside as well - but leave that for now)

I have found very few clips of this to share, but here's one:



On the surface, The Elephant Man was about the plight of a horribly disfigured man. At a deeper level, The Elephant Man was about a beautiful soul that few people bothered to see. They could not look beyond the physical appearance of this man to see that he was an intelligent, artistic and kind man.

The Pretty Things Are Going to Hell.

First-impressions make all the difference, right? How much do we miss because we spend 3 seconds sizing someone up? How many kind, beautiful souls get passed by? I wonder sometimes what the world would be like if we had no eyes.

On that note, a couple of Bowie songs that I just like.



Some that have disabled the embedding:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VrqCBsbeuc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA27aQZCQMk

In my head today - Benjamin Orr

I've finally moved off of my all-BJM playlist for a while (mostly so I don't totally overdose before the show next week). So I went to an old mix and up came The Cars. Well, mostly it's Benjamin Orr that's in my head. This tells you how old I am: in high school my best friend and I sent him a fan letter. It's the only fan letter I've ever written. Here's just a sample of why I sent him the letter. I give you Candy-O:



Still trying to figure out an extra lyric in this version. Should "you" see this video and know what the hell he says, please for the love of god tell me. Is it "it appears you know" or "may I pierce you now?" Very different meanings. Veeerrrrryyyy different.

But back to Benjamin Orr. I think he's my favorite lead singer ever. Ever. Why? His voice. There's this sensual huskiness about his voice. Like they say, he could sing the phone book and I'd have loved it. And visually.... well, he was my type for a long time. He was very much pop-rock of the period (meaning it looks dated and dorky now). He definitely had a swagger, but he never looked dangerous. Yes, bad boys are always sexy, but at that time I needed a whole lot less danger in my life. A whole lot less. The Cars were weird and surreal and ironic. But they weren't dangerous.

I came back around to The Cars a couple of years ago - but only the songs that Benjamin Orr sang. Just not interested in the rest anymore. Apparently I abandoned The Cars sometime before this song came out:



It's got that late-80's boppy sort of tone that annoys me, and yet I LOVE this song. It's this lyric, this part of the song that I truly love. There's a (probably very high) beautific look he gets when he sings it, like a man truly in love. I hope he was. It certainly makes me feel kind of sparkly about my own love.

everything you say
leaves me full of shine
everything you say
crosses up my mind

And then.... there's this. Warning: it might be slightly shocking. It is from 2000 I think, just a few months before Benjamin Orr died of Pancreatic Cancer. I'm not sure why I include it - I guess it is the morbid  part of me. That part of me that is frightened by and drawn to the same things.



Seems like I should end on a more positive note - another video. I spent a long time trying to choose. In the end, I chose two. The first is "Think It Over" from their album Shake It Up.  What's going on all around Benjamin Orr (clearly a Star Wars fan :-p) is just crazy bad. The background vocals  - yikes - but he's in rare form.



The second one is a song called "Cruiser," also from Shake It Up. I just like it, that's all. It's a good driving song... which sorta makes sense.

In my head today - Happier Times

I've been listening to a certain type of music lately. You can sort of see it based on my previous posts, but also if you were to peer into my iPod you'd see a playlist called "Psycho-delia." I'm sure very smart people have put this music into very important categories. I hate categories, so I will just call it, "my current genre."

I have been (and continue to be) especially interested in The Brian Jonestown Massacre, of course. There's a long list of reasons for that. I don't feel like getting into it. Suffice to say that it has to do with being in awe of brilliance, and having a need to tap into the artist in me that doesn't play by someone else's rules, that comes from within rather than giving a flying turd about what others think.

I went back to the High Violets the other day.


And also Imogen Heap



Why? There are some sounds, some musical progressions, or vocals, or lyrics that energize me. Some secret sauce that hits me emotionally and unlock a teeny bit of joy each time I hear the song.

There's a lot of shit going on out there. The world is going down in flames - quite literally if you think about all of the volcanoes and the catastrophic damage in the Gulf of Mexico. War, poverty, death, destruction. I see images of this all the time in the music I've listened to lately (ironic since I initially got into it for the peace-love-understanding aspect). Add to that the really painful shit going on in my own life, and there's a spiral I can very easily fall into.

But in the end, I'm an optimist. In the end, I love people. I love animals, I love the spirits that surround me. I love love and joy and tender-heartedness. I want to see the good around me while I can. Here is just a short little vid that sums up where I'm coming from today:



And finally a completely dorky video that just makes me happy.



So hey, go ahead and be fascinated by the images of death, the super-cool drawings of skulls with snakes coming out of the eyes 'n shit. It has its own beauty, but I need a break from it. I guess I'm just not "cool" like all you kids.

In my head today - June Beach Music and BJM

There are two things I am looking forward to in June. The first is seeing the Brian Jonestown Massacre on June 17. Here's a little taste of what I look forward to:



The other thing I'm looking forward to is the family trip to Hawaii. Yes, it is totally selfish to go to Hawaii when there are so many other things going on. I consider this a little bit of a recharge/pre-charge for the big changes I'm facing in my life. The beach - Hawaii in particular - has always had a magical effect on me. The sultry salty air combined with the soothing sound of the waves and the un-earthly color of the water... it is enough to lull my fears and concerns into submission. In fact, it has a hypnotic effect on me. Nice.

The first time I knew this I was listening to this song while walking on a deserted beach in Mexico:



I recently fount this song by a group I've only barely heard of. I think this is my beach sound for this trip:

In my head today: Iggy Pop, and Anton Newcombe on a Rooftop

I was never really into punk. I lived in a small town with one (crappy) record store and one radio station.... and eventually MTV. That was my musical buffet. So I didn't get a lot of Iggy Pop, except through my one actually cool friend who had some musical taste and brought records back from the city once in a while.

Truth is, I think appreciating Iggy Pop takes a lot more emotional sophistication than I probably had at the time anyway.

This vid is in my head for a sort of tangential reason. The song is awesome, but the performer..... the description on YouTube is that it's an "incendiary" performance. I don't think that quite captures it - is there something beyond incendiary? This is a man that fully commits - body, soul, and psyche - to the music. He lets the music channel through him. If you hate the song, at least do this - skip forward to about 3:55, and watch until about 5:00.

Intensity, commitment. Something greater is happening between the performer, the song, the band, and the audience.

This is what any real artist wants, isn't it? I don't know if I'm a GOOD artist by any stretch of the imagination. Though I am apparently (by some accounts) PFG (pretty fucking good), I know that I am not a genius. Whether I am PFG or not, I can tell you that Iggy Pop captures the way I feel when I step on stage. Iggy Pop from 5:00 on is Lady Macbeth. It takes some way of emptying yourself out for a period of time and letting someone or something else in.

Speaking of which.... this next vid is an apparently infamous interview with Anton Newcombe. If you don't know who he is.... well for God's sake look up The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Or look at two or three of my previous posts. Right now BJM is opening something up in me that I can't quite explain, but I think it is good.

People say a lot about this interview, and usually in any description of any interview someone has to spout off with some version of "he's crazy" - it happens especially often when people talk about this one. I think that is just a bunch of shallow-minded horseshit. I don't know the guy except through music and the occasional interview I read so really what the fuck do I know? But think for a moment about art, about artists, about being a vessel for the creative spirit.



If Anton is "crazy" then I want some too. He's not crazy, he's just got the balls enough to talk about what it feels like to have artistic vision and enough courage to BE the art.

So today, I want to be Iggy Pop, and I want to experience the artistic vision/genius of Anton Newcombe.

I aspire to so little, right?

In my head today - a different direction

It just happens that I came upon this video shortly before I started rehearsals for the new show. So instead of whining about some problem or being saddened by the words to some song, I thought I'd just share the joy that is Brian Atene. I don't know him, but I love him anyway.

The start of a new show is always both exciting and terrifying. This one is particularly nerve-wracking and exciting as it is a new company and a difficult role. It is also a show I probably should not be doing, simply because of my life. But that is another story. I consider this the last time I'll do any acting for a while. I don't mean that in the "all actors say that" way - I mean very specifically that it is unlikely I'll be able to fit a show into the demands of taking care of my mother.

So, let's hope it is a good one, then! If all else fails perhaps I'll break out a little Outsiders monologue. Pony Boy is always popular with the local audiences....

Hey, worked for Brian Atene. Bravo, sir, bravo!!

In my head today: Gravenhurst - Black Holes in the Sand

It's interesting to think about what it is that "gets" me in a song. There are a variety of things that can do it. Sometimes it's a great "hook," sometimes there's something haunting in a melody, sometimes it is a combination. In this particular case, it is two things. First, the visual in the video takes me someplace lovely. It eerily matches my Channel, you'll notice.

But before I saw this video, what got me was a single line:

"In the small hours, I realize what I have done"

I spend a lot of time thinking about those things in the "small hours" - I can be nodding off the entire evening, barely able to get my clothes off and get into bed. But as soon as the light goes out and the quiet time sets in.... little voices begin whispering to me. Lists start forming in my head, images of things done and undone pass by. Some float easily away and move the next image into my head. Other times they sit. The image plants itself, and then it slowly morphs from one image to the other, each one more distressing than the last.

When I am lucky, these images are of simple things. Why did I forget to call the mechanic becomes an image of me on the side of the road w/ my car broken down. the image of an impending meeting turns into me sitting at my desk with no way to finish my projects. Items for the grocery list float by. Mundane things. Those are the easy ones.

Others are much more painful. The larger things. The damage that once done cannot be undone. The damage of what has been left undone too long. Most nights, I see my mother sitting alone in her house, quiet and frightened - not moving much, not really doing anything but staring, and crying. Crying from fear, crying from a feeling of utter abandonment, wondering why there is no one there to care for her. Often I will hear my father's voice, wondering why I have to work so much, why he never gets to see me. Standing at his grave wondering how I missed so much of his last years - the only years we really had together. Just a reminder about priorities, and lessons I should have learned by now.

In the small hours, I realize what I have done.

Or not done.

In my head today - Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt. God, what a moment when I discovered them! Like finding myself. You want to know who I am? Listen to the following songs:

Seether:


Volcano Girls:


How many years did I spend being the girl with the temper? No,I mean REALLY a temper. Nothing like living up to the stereotype of the angry redhead. And then once I was "sane", how many years have I tried to drag the Seether back into its hole, kicking and screaming and fighting and hitting things? No, I'm not angry anymore. No, life's good and I'm calm, I'm a f*#%ing optimist, okay?

No really, life is good.

In my head today: Storm Large - Great Day

Being from Portland, we actually have a wealth of talent. Folks talk about Everclear and of course the Dandy Warhols. But my favorite is Storm Large. There is not a better role model for women than Storm. She has risen from the ashes of a pretty shitty life and allowed herself to be who she is. And who she is is a POWERFUL force. Obviously beautiful physically, but - more importantly, IMHO - beautiful of soul as well. Her talent is mind-boggling, and thoroughly unique. I can't tell you, "oh she's like...." because truly there is no one like her! Watch this sample. Let me know if you agree.

There are many many videos available. I have chosen "Great Day" because it just makes me so damned happy everytime I hear it. It is.... driven. There is an underlying intensity, like she is willing the day to be great, through the shit, simply through her own power. Sometimes the day just needs a little nudge, you know? The storyline is just hysterical. I even modeled one of my audition monologues after the final character in the song.

Also, awesome bass line.

In my head today: My Bloody Valentine

This is not the best audio version of the song, there are other videos that can show that. The reason I've got this version here is because it fits my image of My Bloody Valentine so well. I've had this group in my personal favs for years. This song and Only Shallow evoke such a mood in me.... it is dark and twisty and yet comfortable and calm. Hard to describe.

Oddly (for my age and geographic region), I have never taken any psychedelic drugs before. Not opposed to 'em, but my mind is complicated enough, right? This song has always made me FEEL how I imagine I'd feel if I were tripping. I go into an altered state that I can't describe. It physically alters my mood - probably even more with Only Shallow.

I have always had an impossible time trying to imagine any actual people behind this music. You know how you can get an image in your head - maybe you think the guitar player has a mohawk or the lead singer is a blonde. These guys... nothing. I can only barely grasp that this is music and not something much, much more profound and moving.

So now that I've started spending more time with YouTube and VodPod, I thought I'd take a look around for MBV. And this one matched my vision. Lights and movement and music and people - it looks hot and close and confined and divine. Yep, pretty much what's in my head.

Other links:

My Bloody Valentine - Soon

My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow

In my head today: River Run

This is one of the most haunting songs of loss I've ever heard. Not because it is about River Phoenix. I mean ya, sad he died and he was gone too soon. But that's not what I'm talking about here. In fact, had I found another video without him in it, I would have used it.

It's the sound of Beth Sorrentio's grieving voice. The feeling of loss is universal. Someone dies and then you slowly remove every part of their existence. Cancel their Social Security number, remove them from the world in ways both big and small. It is a horrible feeling, as if you are literally erasing them. They get more and more faint, until one day most of them is just invisible.

Maybe with the internet that is a little different. If I died (okay listen, going back to yesterday's post, I am NOT suicidal!) there would certainly be a record of me on the Internet. I'm all over the place. You dear reader (who is not there) don't know this, but I do have a few tiny spots here and there where I will live on in Internet Eternity. Not including this, which is merely an easier way of me talking to myself (talking through myself) than the muttering I usually do, or the journal I used to write.

But back to the point. Loss. In particular death, and this song. The other thing that strikes me is the strange things we feel the dead have missed out on. "You haven't heard my band yet, you haven't seen my house" Okay I get the band part - music is soul sighting. A gift you are sharing with the world. But your house? You haven't seen my house? It seems odd, and yet this is truly the sort of thing you think about. I wish so and so could have seen my garden this year. I think so and so would really have loved these earrings. That tie would have been fantastic on so and so. Who the fuck cares about that?

And yet it's what goes through our heads as we grieve. As if they are missing out on these tiny little details that make life..... life.

To those I have lost - some recent, some past - I miss you for who you are, who you were, the place you held in my life and you still hold in my heart. But I'm not sorry that you are not here to see my cat offer up another damned hairball on the carpet.

Anyway, the point is that I miss you all. And in one very specific case, this song is so poignantly true... A part of me thinks perhaps I knew that you would be gone too soon. Perhaps that is why the song always made my cry. J, I miss you and I love you. You were a rare gem.