In my head today: Too much shit, not enough space

It's not so much that the song has been going through my head all day - though I have listened to it 3-4 times. It's just that this song matches the knot in the pit of my stomach so well.

Yesterday's video was about moving through fear. Today it is about the anxious pile of goo that rumbles in my stomach - sitting squarely on some chakra that I cannot name.

It was either use this video, or "She's Lost Control" by Joy Division. Of the two, this video and song are slightly less frightening to me. Tonight this Brian Jonestown Massacre song is an uneasy fit on my shoulders, and tonight Joy Division is a straightjacket.

It's sure catchy as hell though, isn't it?

"It damned near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see."

The knot grows. Today I was thinking about broken people. I am a broken person, so I speak from experience here. And I thought to myself about people who have little pieces broken off inside. Things that "damned near took [their] life and kicked the shit out of [them]." We are like vases. The beautiful, rare vase sitting on the mantle that falls and breaks. You can painstakingly glue the pieces together, but you never really get a vase out of it. You get pieces of glass glued together. It has its own beauty - perhaps the act of gluing it back makes it look more like a piece of fine art than a functional vase. But it is not a vase.

So it is with broken people. I am glued back together. I am glued by a strong epoxy and I'm not going to break again (act as if, so be it), but I am not a vase. And that is actually okay. I LIKE broken people. Those that have managed to glue themselves back together are beautiful, strong people with a will to survive. They are the "fuck the world I'm sticking around" people.

I think of Ian Curtis (going back to Joy Division) - I've only just discovered him. I am a woman over 40 with a passion for music, and I didn't ever land on JOY DIVISION? What the fuck is wrong with me?? Oh yea, I grew up in a little shit town with one radio station. Riiiiiight. I'll flog myself for that later.

Anyway, suicide. It scares me, and at the same time I have some kind of attraction to it. I've walked that line before. I don't walk it anymore. So listen person who is not reading this, I am NOT suicidal okay? Don't go rounding up the looney wagon for me. I'm just saying, there is something about pondering it, playing with it in my head that keeps me strong.

I am strong because I am weak. You dig?

more about "brian jonestown massacre - dropping b...", posted with vodpod

In my head today - Ian Brown F E A R

In my head today: F E A R - Ian Brown.

This song and video are new to me. The lyrics are fantastic. I was hooked up to the backwards version (thank you once again Anton!), but there is a forward version as well, of course.

It's the idea of transforming fear that really touches me in this. There are those that live IN fear, and there are those that live THROUGH fear. For Everthing A Reason. I am generally living in fear. No matter how much I tell myself "A tree never asks permission to grow" (something an incredibly wise woman once told me), all-too-often I still second guess myself, ignore the scary stuff, stay stuck in the shit... you name it. I am on a constant Be Who You Are quest. I know who I am inside, but showing it isn't always comfortable. I pick and choose where and how I show myself.

The line to remember:

Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Finding everything and realizing
For everything a reason


Fear

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Find everybody and rule
For everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason
Forgive everybody and remember

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Face everybody and rule
For everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

Final eternity arouses reactions
Freeing excellence affects reality
Fallen empires are ruling
Find earth and reef

Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Final execution and resurrection
Free expression as revolution
Finding everything and realizing

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

(Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Finding everything and realizing
For everything a reason)

F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear

In my head today: Artificial Joy Club - I Say - Live

It's a two-fer day:

Blah, blah, blah
The V chip on my tongue's gone berserk
One channel left
I hope you like my talk show network
Can dress me up
Can't take me out
I'll make you squirm
Without a doubt
(chorus)
I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble
I feel what I say, I don't care anyway
I do what (who) I like, it doesn't make me humble
[ Artificial Joy Club Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
I like what (who) I do, it's just my attitude

Steven Austin and I both have bionic mouths
His saves the world, mine just spews whatever out
Sometimes my foot gets really stuck
Inside my mouth
I don't give a fuck

Hey badabing, hey badaboom!
My lines don't come on silver spoons
You don't get refunds when you buy my brand of etiquette

In my head today: Spill the wine Video#

Eric Burdon & War - Spill the wine Video#

Furthering our fondness for flute....

Eric Burdon & War: Spill the Wine

Okay I'll be honest, this tune is not exactly the one in my head today. But this is a kick-ass version of one of the very first songs I ever remember hearing. Shows my age I guess. It has a vibe to it that hits me emotionally every time I hear it. As a young girl, the part that was cool to me was him laying in a field of tall grass. I was a kid, and didn't really get the meaning of the song, ya dig?

The reason that line stuck with me was because that was exactly what I'd do, lay in a large field of tall grass. Hot summer days, I'd wander out into the empty lot beside our house and make myself a little fort. A spot just big enough for an 8 year old. Maybe it looked like a crop circle from above. I was hiding in plain sight, away from... well a lot of stuff. I don't know if people really coudn't see me, or if they humored the poor troubled girl in that green house. Either way, I felt at peace.

Plus, the flute! The flute, the beat, Eric Burdon's amazing voice. It was groovy baby.

In My Head Today: Koyaanisqatsi

So much for commenting on short videos.

Definition: ko.yaa.nis.katsi (from the Hopi language), n. 1. crazy life. 2. life in turmoil. 3. life disintegrating. 4. life out of balance. 5. a state of life that calls for another way of living.

I could pretend that this in my head because of the destruction of the planet - sadness at how we've treated Mother Earth. It would be true, but it would be a lie. It is really the meaning of the title that runs through my head these days. Life out of Balance. Life in turmoil. Crazy Life.

What I go through in life is miniscule in the grand scheme of things. The world it far-too littered with stories much harsher and harder to stomach than my own small piece of turmoil. But I've come to understand that this is still my reality, and it is what affects me the most. So whether it is measely or not, I do have to pay attention to it. Simply comparing situations and moving on doesn't help me out of the hole at all. All it does is make me feel guilty. Well screw that, you know?

One of my "friends" on facebook had the nerve to make a joke after I'd posted a note regarding my mother. I am talking about having to leave a poor, defenseless 80 year old woman with advanced Alzheimer's (aka my mother) all by herself, and this asshat is making some stupid f-ing comment about sexy hot babes. There are times when lightening the mood is cool, and times when you just end up being a shithead.

So I am Koyaanisqatsi. And I'm just a small part of a gigantic Life out of Balance.

Life all around us is in turmoil.

"Who Killed Sgt. Pepper?"

In my head today: Forgetfulness - Billy Collins Animated Poetry

Just encountered this poem - animated poetry. There is an irony in the topic. Forgetfulness. Where does forgetfulness stop and dementia begin? This is a line I already worry about. My own forgetfulness - is it an overload of imagination? Is it too much or too little information? Is it the hazy, liquid murder of my brain cells? Is it genetics? Well, there is much to think about there. Or perhaps I can forget it and move on.

__________________________________________

Forgetfulness
The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Billy Collins
Former US Poet Laureate

In my head: crushed - brian jonestown massacre

"Dry my eyes in a cool breeze"

Jeezuz that line gives me goosebumps.

Crushed - a.newcombe

I'm tired of living alone
I've just discovered alone
I feel uncovered with you
I feel right here
I'm kind of silly I know
I'm not your lover although
I shouldn't bother
I fall for the deep clear

Eyes blue
And you know
I'm in line with you here

I've tried to give you enough
I learned from living it rough
I think I know when I must
Make myself clear
I'm tired of living alone
And discovered alone
When I'm uncovered with you
I feel right here

Can't you see
I can fly
But I'm not free

Careful you
All alone
In the clear blue clear

And if you see
I can fly
But I'm not free

It's kind of silly I know
I'm not your lover although
I shouldn't bother
I fall for the deep clear

I can fly through the clear blue

Carefree
Dry my eyes in a cool breeze
Can't you see I've a soul too
I suppose I really love you will
I'm in love with a lie still
And carefree
I can fly but I'm not free here
I can fly but I'm not free

In my head today: Jeff LaBansky "Piece of your heart"

Total shock on this one. On a whim, I "YouTubed" (is that also a verb now?) an old friend of mine - Jeff Labansky. From another time and place. How crazy that The Longest Hair in Rock and Roll was actually here!! FANtastic. This was the first song I ever heard Jeff play, and the guitar hook hooked me hook, line, and sinker, so to speak. This guy could shred a guitar. I had just been thinking about him putting a stick of incense in the strings while he played. All Shaman and shit, I guess.

Ya, it's the 80's. Jeff's hair was even poofier than usual - but man that was his hair! Close your eyes and listen - the voice, the hook - 80's or not this is good stuff. He put on a fantastic show.

Updated 5/25/12: Jeff has a new presence on the Internet, so here is a new link for you: https://www.facebook.com/pages/LaBansky/140122152688035


Siren

In my head today: The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Bring Me The Head Of Paul McCartney On Heather Mills Wooden Peg

I don't think this need any explanation at all. But I will say this:

"Oh man it's dropping out of heaven and it's bringing the word
The wicked fucking sound that you never have heard"

yo dat.

Words and music by anton newcombe (youtube.com/antonfjordson)

Oh man it's dropping out of heaven and it's bringing the word
The wicked fucking sound that you never have heard

I'll tell you all about it cause it's spoken to me
It damn near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see?

Now it walks with my soul and it lives with my mind
And it's got a big gun and it's hunting mankind

Shiny leather boots and a big set of wings
Many fucking presents for the children it brings

Flying through the heavens and it's made out of stars
It's walking on fire to the place that you are
Here it comes

So grab your silver bullets and sharpen your stakes
And lock your fucking doors for Jesus sakes

Because it's reading your mind and it's ruined this land
And it's speaking in German and things you don't understand

While it's fucking your girlfriend and it's flying in space
And it's putting you to shame as it spits in your face

Then it flies back to Heaven and it sleeps with the stars
And it's eating up planets and it's playing guitar

In fact it's playing right now

In my head today: dada the band performs "Surround"

I wish there were a better video of this song. If you've not heard Dada (the band) they are worth a listen. In my experience their songs often have a surprising quality about them. By that I mean you think you know what the next chord will be because you've heard that progression a thousand times before, but what comes next doesn't sound like anything you've heard before. If I were a damned musician, I could explain it better.

This isn't necessarily their "best" song. Not sure that there is ONE best song. But in my head is this story:

Many years ago I had a job I hated. I mean, I HATED this job. The boss was verbally abusive and I didn't see any way out. Each morning, I'd sit in the parking lot outside. I'd dread going in, and often I'd sit and cry for a good 10 minutes. (I know, what a fucking loser, right?)

Then I'd turn this song on. Turn it way up, close my eyes, and think of what Surrounds me. Not to get totally woo-woo bullshit but I could wrap myself up in the music and let it surround me with something positive.

Buy the CD (Puzzle), listen to the song in headphones, really, really loud.

Then listen to the rest of it and any other album they've put out. You'll be surprised.

In my head today: Brian Jonestown Massacre - Yeah Yeah

This song, and this version of it, hit me on an emotional level. A lot of BJM music does that. But this one speaks to the part of me that hears that little voice scream in my head. I've searched for a good copy of the full lyrics and I don't find anything I think actually comes close. Maybe some day Anton Newcombe will come out with a book of poetry based on his lyrics. That would be totally cool. I am not kidding - his words are amazing.

Anyway I'd leave it to others to interpret the exact words he's singing in this video - or hey you know Anton could drop by here anytime and clarify them right? (har har) What I hear is the ringing of my own pain in my ears, of all the voices that scream in my head, that feel so scary, that tell me to worry.....

What runs in your head?

A first message to myself

A blog where I can add my thoughts about the stuff I'm watching. Just for me.