In my head today: Panic

Today's theme: panic

I've just pulled random videos about panic. I mean I guess this is my thing right - I talk about shit going on in my head, or in my life, and I pair it with videos that somehow work with the theme. It's been months now since I've come over here to dither on about something. There are two very distinct reasons for this. First, I am quite simply too busy. Life exploded over the summer, and I can't seem to catch up. I know it was the right thing to do to bring my mother up from her little apartment on the coast. I know this. But I'm a planner. I prepare, I project manage. This hasn't been well planned, and so there's a lot of chaos going on.

Chaos - there's a theme to explore.

I don't think well with clutter around me. I'm one of those people. I always feel just a little gnawing at my soul when things are cluttered and I need to think. It's all just an illusion of course, because truly my best brainstorming turns into chaos. That's kind of the fun of it. A dogpile of thoughts and good creative energy.

This isn't that kind of chaos. Good chaos = creativity. Bad chaos = danger.

I decided to be a "yes" person at work this quarter as well. Sure, of course I can do your project. Yes, I would love to present for your conference. I can't think of anything more fun than designing this two day meeting. Oh and please let me write that book chapter. Now that one was important to me. I mean all of my projects mean something and I enjoy just about everything I work on. But this piece for the book. A book being put together in honor of a man that I truly cared for and admired. Outside of my normal scope of work, it fell outside of what I could realistically work on.

So, the first reason I've been scarce has just been a matter of time.

But I'm being vague, aren't I? And that leads to reason #2. I am a pressure cooker, you see. The lid is clamped on tight so that nothing escapes. Inside the pot, things are whirling around, getting hotter and hotter. But on the outside, everything must remain calm.

To cut the shit a little bit on this one - inside me I'm just a mess. But I can't lose my grip. I can't get upset or let myself feel anything too deeply, because I just don't have time for the mess that would ensue. I know how many things I have not been doing. I know how many visits I have missed with my mother. I know how much of her move there is yet to sort out. I know that I need to take care of her life to the same extent I should take care of my own. My lists grow longer and longer and I am slower and slower to cross things off.

But this isn't about lists, or finances, or appointments. It's about grief and loss and fear. It is about the image I have in my head EVERY SINGLE night - and often during the day if I don't keep myself distracted - of what my mother is doing. Of HOW she is doing. Of what happens when she is all alone. Because I know that I am not taking care of her to the extent that she needs it. I know I am failing at this task. I can feel her fear from six blocks away.

I hear it in the reports from my brother and husband. Asking for me. Mad that I am "never there." I do not think I am making things up when I say that what my mother wants (needs?) is me, there, all the time. But I can't do that. That cannot happen for a laundry list of reasons.

I remember my father's sad voice near the end of his life. "I miss you. I wish you did not have to work so hard, so that I could see you more."

Ha! So here's the appropriate video for that:


So there you go. Except that child that's growing up? That is my mother sinking deeper into her illness, and she's never going to be independent and not need me anymore. She just isn't going to know me at all.

And so there is panic. The sheer agony of knowing that I am hurting another person.... not just any person, but my mother, whom I have loved and admired (though not always respected... I mean I was a teenager at some point) my whole life. It is my fault. You can logic me out of that argument all you want, and I will still know it is true. Her Alzheimer's is not my fault. No, I don't blame myself for her genetic mutations.

Whatever. I'm tired now so it's time to wrap up another super-cheery version of my little blog. But look, when I say my "inner siren," I mean two things, right? I mean the beautiful woman inside me that sings and is stirred by beautiful music. But I also mean the horrible wailing noise that deafens me on occasions like tonight.

I do my best. I do my best.

So anyway, here are a few songs about panic.

In my head today - silence

I started this post at 7:13 pm. Hm... that's my birthday. 7/13. Nice synchronicity there.
Oh! Now I have a video to add:




I am in a place that only strikes when I'm truly stressed. There is no music in my head (except for some gawdawful deedle-dee from an ice cream truck). So here I am wanting to write, and this is my little blog, and I've got no music in my head.

But, having put the Police in above, now I'm on a roll. I'm here in my little hometown. I don't visit often - I don't really like the place all that much. I've got one old friend here, a few newer friends, and there are the beaches (which are stunning). Other than that, I've got no use for this place. But I'm here in my mother's apartment, which is high on a hill and faces my high school. It's been a loooooong time since I was there, and yet even as recently at last night it haunted my dreams.

So here is another very specific video from my high school days. I believe this was the theme of my Junior Prom:



Okay, now this is fun! Let's do another....



So here I am, with open arms.... excuse me while I verp a little. Sorry Journey - great, great song. Too many memories.

So we have musical memories, we have me in my mother's apartment, and I'm looking at my high school. I'm packing up my mother's things, preparing to leave this place for good as we move her 200 miles away so she's closer to her kids. So in theory, I won't need to come back. But perhaps I will anyway. This week I am alone in the house, save three very sweet kitties wondering what the hell is going on. Three days in, they finally gave up and decided that, since I was feeding them and all, I guess I'm sorta all right.

It is a sad time. Still watching my mother slip away into the Alzheimer's fog. It's been a bad couple of weeks - but as bad as it is for me and my family, I know it is much, much worse for her. Not much of a consolation, but it does help me show compassion and kindness.

So here is one just for my mama:



Kiri Te Kanawa is an amazing woman, someone that my mother loves. My mother herself is a fantastic soprano, even well into her senior years. If I had a video of her, I'd add it here. But her voice is merely a memory in my head, her music in my heart.

In my head today: David Bowie

The Pretty Things Are Going to Hell



A lot could be said about this song, and the video itself seems to speak volumes. I've tried for a while now to describe it but can't put words around my thoughts. Phrases come to mind.

You've forgotten the beauty
You've killed the beauty in me
What I once thought was beautiful I now see is actually ugly and cursed - did you do that to me, was the "truth" revealed, or is it a pack of shit?

"I'm reaching the very edge, you know.... I'm reaching the very edge..."

The next car in my unusual train of thought was The Elephant Man. Huh? For those that don't remember here's just a brief review, courtesy of the 1980 movie:




David Bowie performed this role on Broadway. With no make-up. David Bowie is physically a beautiful man. (I have no idea but I suspect he's pretty awesome on the inside as well - but leave that for now)

I have found very few clips of this to share, but here's one:



On the surface, The Elephant Man was about the plight of a horribly disfigured man. At a deeper level, The Elephant Man was about a beautiful soul that few people bothered to see. They could not look beyond the physical appearance of this man to see that he was an intelligent, artistic and kind man.

The Pretty Things Are Going to Hell.

First-impressions make all the difference, right? How much do we miss because we spend 3 seconds sizing someone up? How many kind, beautiful souls get passed by? I wonder sometimes what the world would be like if we had no eyes.

On that note, a couple of Bowie songs that I just like.



Some that have disabled the embedding:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VrqCBsbeuc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA27aQZCQMk

In my head today - Benjamin Orr

I've finally moved off of my all-BJM playlist for a while (mostly so I don't totally overdose before the show next week). So I went to an old mix and up came The Cars. Well, mostly it's Benjamin Orr that's in my head. This tells you how old I am: in high school my best friend and I sent him a fan letter. It's the only fan letter I've ever written. Here's just a sample of why I sent him the letter. I give you Candy-O:



Still trying to figure out an extra lyric in this version. Should "you" see this video and know what the hell he says, please for the love of god tell me. Is it "it appears you know" or "may I pierce you now?" Very different meanings. Veeerrrrryyyy different.

But back to Benjamin Orr. I think he's my favorite lead singer ever. Ever. Why? His voice. There's this sensual huskiness about his voice. Like they say, he could sing the phone book and I'd have loved it. And visually.... well, he was my type for a long time. He was very much pop-rock of the period (meaning it looks dated and dorky now). He definitely had a swagger, but he never looked dangerous. Yes, bad boys are always sexy, but at that time I needed a whole lot less danger in my life. A whole lot less. The Cars were weird and surreal and ironic. But they weren't dangerous.

I came back around to The Cars a couple of years ago - but only the songs that Benjamin Orr sang. Just not interested in the rest anymore. Apparently I abandoned The Cars sometime before this song came out:



It's got that late-80's boppy sort of tone that annoys me, and yet I LOVE this song. It's this lyric, this part of the song that I truly love. There's a (probably very high) beautific look he gets when he sings it, like a man truly in love. I hope he was. It certainly makes me feel kind of sparkly about my own love.

everything you say
leaves me full of shine
everything you say
crosses up my mind

And then.... there's this. Warning: it might be slightly shocking. It is from 2000 I think, just a few months before Benjamin Orr died of Pancreatic Cancer. I'm not sure why I include it - I guess it is the morbid  part of me. That part of me that is frightened by and drawn to the same things.



Seems like I should end on a more positive note - another video. I spent a long time trying to choose. In the end, I chose two. The first is "Think It Over" from their album Shake It Up.  What's going on all around Benjamin Orr (clearly a Star Wars fan :-p) is just crazy bad. The background vocals  - yikes - but he's in rare form.



The second one is a song called "Cruiser," also from Shake It Up. I just like it, that's all. It's a good driving song... which sorta makes sense.

In my head today - Happier Times

I've been listening to a certain type of music lately. You can sort of see it based on my previous posts, but also if you were to peer into my iPod you'd see a playlist called "Psycho-delia." I'm sure very smart people have put this music into very important categories. I hate categories, so I will just call it, "my current genre."

I have been (and continue to be) especially interested in The Brian Jonestown Massacre, of course. There's a long list of reasons for that. I don't feel like getting into it. Suffice to say that it has to do with being in awe of brilliance, and having a need to tap into the artist in me that doesn't play by someone else's rules, that comes from within rather than giving a flying turd about what others think.

I went back to the High Violets the other day.


And also Imogen Heap



Why? There are some sounds, some musical progressions, or vocals, or lyrics that energize me. Some secret sauce that hits me emotionally and unlock a teeny bit of joy each time I hear the song.

There's a lot of shit going on out there. The world is going down in flames - quite literally if you think about all of the volcanoes and the catastrophic damage in the Gulf of Mexico. War, poverty, death, destruction. I see images of this all the time in the music I've listened to lately (ironic since I initially got into it for the peace-love-understanding aspect). Add to that the really painful shit going on in my own life, and there's a spiral I can very easily fall into.

But in the end, I'm an optimist. In the end, I love people. I love animals, I love the spirits that surround me. I love love and joy and tender-heartedness. I want to see the good around me while I can. Here is just a short little vid that sums up where I'm coming from today:



And finally a completely dorky video that just makes me happy.



So hey, go ahead and be fascinated by the images of death, the super-cool drawings of skulls with snakes coming out of the eyes 'n shit. It has its own beauty, but I need a break from it. I guess I'm just not "cool" like all you kids.

In my head today - June Beach Music and BJM

There are two things I am looking forward to in June. The first is seeing the Brian Jonestown Massacre on June 17. Here's a little taste of what I look forward to:



The other thing I'm looking forward to is the family trip to Hawaii. Yes, it is totally selfish to go to Hawaii when there are so many other things going on. I consider this a little bit of a recharge/pre-charge for the big changes I'm facing in my life. The beach - Hawaii in particular - has always had a magical effect on me. The sultry salty air combined with the soothing sound of the waves and the un-earthly color of the water... it is enough to lull my fears and concerns into submission. In fact, it has a hypnotic effect on me. Nice.

The first time I knew this I was listening to this song while walking on a deserted beach in Mexico:



I recently fount this song by a group I've only barely heard of. I think this is my beach sound for this trip:

In my head today: Iggy Pop, and Anton Newcombe on a Rooftop

I was never really into punk. I lived in a small town with one (crappy) record store and one radio station.... and eventually MTV. That was my musical buffet. So I didn't get a lot of Iggy Pop, except through my one actually cool friend who had some musical taste and brought records back from the city once in a while.

Truth is, I think appreciating Iggy Pop takes a lot more emotional sophistication than I probably had at the time anyway.

This vid is in my head for a sort of tangential reason. The song is awesome, but the performer..... the description on YouTube is that it's an "incendiary" performance. I don't think that quite captures it - is there something beyond incendiary? This is a man that fully commits - body, soul, and psyche - to the music. He lets the music channel through him. If you hate the song, at least do this - skip forward to about 3:55, and watch until about 5:00.

Intensity, commitment. Something greater is happening between the performer, the song, the band, and the audience.

This is what any real artist wants, isn't it? I don't know if I'm a GOOD artist by any stretch of the imagination. Though I am apparently (by some accounts) PFG (pretty fucking good), I know that I am not a genius. Whether I am PFG or not, I can tell you that Iggy Pop captures the way I feel when I step on stage. Iggy Pop from 5:00 on is Lady Macbeth. It takes some way of emptying yourself out for a period of time and letting someone or something else in.

Speaking of which.... this next vid is an apparently infamous interview with Anton Newcombe. If you don't know who he is.... well for God's sake look up The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Or look at two or three of my previous posts. Right now BJM is opening something up in me that I can't quite explain, but I think it is good.

People say a lot about this interview, and usually in any description of any interview someone has to spout off with some version of "he's crazy" - it happens especially often when people talk about this one. I think that is just a bunch of shallow-minded horseshit. I don't know the guy except through music and the occasional interview I read so really what the fuck do I know? But think for a moment about art, about artists, about being a vessel for the creative spirit.



If Anton is "crazy" then I want some too. He's not crazy, he's just got the balls enough to talk about what it feels like to have artistic vision and enough courage to BE the art.

So today, I want to be Iggy Pop, and I want to experience the artistic vision/genius of Anton Newcombe.

I aspire to so little, right?

In my head today - a different direction

It just happens that I came upon this video shortly before I started rehearsals for the new show. So instead of whining about some problem or being saddened by the words to some song, I thought I'd just share the joy that is Brian Atene. I don't know him, but I love him anyway.

The start of a new show is always both exciting and terrifying. This one is particularly nerve-wracking and exciting as it is a new company and a difficult role. It is also a show I probably should not be doing, simply because of my life. But that is another story. I consider this the last time I'll do any acting for a while. I don't mean that in the "all actors say that" way - I mean very specifically that it is unlikely I'll be able to fit a show into the demands of taking care of my mother.

So, let's hope it is a good one, then! If all else fails perhaps I'll break out a little Outsiders monologue. Pony Boy is always popular with the local audiences....

Hey, worked for Brian Atene. Bravo, sir, bravo!!

In my head today: Gravenhurst - Black Holes in the Sand

It's interesting to think about what it is that "gets" me in a song. There are a variety of things that can do it. Sometimes it's a great "hook," sometimes there's something haunting in a melody, sometimes it is a combination. In this particular case, it is two things. First, the visual in the video takes me someplace lovely. It eerily matches my Channel, you'll notice.

But before I saw this video, what got me was a single line:

"In the small hours, I realize what I have done"

I spend a lot of time thinking about those things in the "small hours" - I can be nodding off the entire evening, barely able to get my clothes off and get into bed. But as soon as the light goes out and the quiet time sets in.... little voices begin whispering to me. Lists start forming in my head, images of things done and undone pass by. Some float easily away and move the next image into my head. Other times they sit. The image plants itself, and then it slowly morphs from one image to the other, each one more distressing than the last.

When I am lucky, these images are of simple things. Why did I forget to call the mechanic becomes an image of me on the side of the road w/ my car broken down. the image of an impending meeting turns into me sitting at my desk with no way to finish my projects. Items for the grocery list float by. Mundane things. Those are the easy ones.

Others are much more painful. The larger things. The damage that once done cannot be undone. The damage of what has been left undone too long. Most nights, I see my mother sitting alone in her house, quiet and frightened - not moving much, not really doing anything but staring, and crying. Crying from fear, crying from a feeling of utter abandonment, wondering why there is no one there to care for her. Often I will hear my father's voice, wondering why I have to work so much, why he never gets to see me. Standing at his grave wondering how I missed so much of his last years - the only years we really had together. Just a reminder about priorities, and lessons I should have learned by now.

In the small hours, I realize what I have done.

Or not done.

In my head today - Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt. God, what a moment when I discovered them! Like finding myself. You want to know who I am? Listen to the following songs:

Seether:


Volcano Girls:


How many years did I spend being the girl with the temper? No,I mean REALLY a temper. Nothing like living up to the stereotype of the angry redhead. And then once I was "sane", how many years have I tried to drag the Seether back into its hole, kicking and screaming and fighting and hitting things? No, I'm not angry anymore. No, life's good and I'm calm, I'm a f*#%ing optimist, okay?

No really, life is good.

In my head today: Storm Large - Great Day

Being from Portland, we actually have a wealth of talent. Folks talk about Everclear and of course the Dandy Warhols. But my favorite is Storm Large. There is not a better role model for women than Storm. She has risen from the ashes of a pretty shitty life and allowed herself to be who she is. And who she is is a POWERFUL force. Obviously beautiful physically, but - more importantly, IMHO - beautiful of soul as well. Her talent is mind-boggling, and thoroughly unique. I can't tell you, "oh she's like...." because truly there is no one like her! Watch this sample. Let me know if you agree.

There are many many videos available. I have chosen "Great Day" because it just makes me so damned happy everytime I hear it. It is.... driven. There is an underlying intensity, like she is willing the day to be great, through the shit, simply through her own power. Sometimes the day just needs a little nudge, you know? The storyline is just hysterical. I even modeled one of my audition monologues after the final character in the song.

Also, awesome bass line.

In my head today: My Bloody Valentine

This is not the best audio version of the song, there are other videos that can show that. The reason I've got this version here is because it fits my image of My Bloody Valentine so well. I've had this group in my personal favs for years. This song and Only Shallow evoke such a mood in me.... it is dark and twisty and yet comfortable and calm. Hard to describe.

Oddly (for my age and geographic region), I have never taken any psychedelic drugs before. Not opposed to 'em, but my mind is complicated enough, right? This song has always made me FEEL how I imagine I'd feel if I were tripping. I go into an altered state that I can't describe. It physically alters my mood - probably even more with Only Shallow.

I have always had an impossible time trying to imagine any actual people behind this music. You know how you can get an image in your head - maybe you think the guitar player has a mohawk or the lead singer is a blonde. These guys... nothing. I can only barely grasp that this is music and not something much, much more profound and moving.

So now that I've started spending more time with YouTube and VodPod, I thought I'd take a look around for MBV. And this one matched my vision. Lights and movement and music and people - it looks hot and close and confined and divine. Yep, pretty much what's in my head.

Other links:

My Bloody Valentine - Soon

My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow

In my head today: River Run

This is one of the most haunting songs of loss I've ever heard. Not because it is about River Phoenix. I mean ya, sad he died and he was gone too soon. But that's not what I'm talking about here. In fact, had I found another video without him in it, I would have used it.

It's the sound of Beth Sorrentio's grieving voice. The feeling of loss is universal. Someone dies and then you slowly remove every part of their existence. Cancel their Social Security number, remove them from the world in ways both big and small. It is a horrible feeling, as if you are literally erasing them. They get more and more faint, until one day most of them is just invisible.

Maybe with the internet that is a little different. If I died (okay listen, going back to yesterday's post, I am NOT suicidal!) there would certainly be a record of me on the Internet. I'm all over the place. You dear reader (who is not there) don't know this, but I do have a few tiny spots here and there where I will live on in Internet Eternity. Not including this, which is merely an easier way of me talking to myself (talking through myself) than the muttering I usually do, or the journal I used to write.

But back to the point. Loss. In particular death, and this song. The other thing that strikes me is the strange things we feel the dead have missed out on. "You haven't heard my band yet, you haven't seen my house" Okay I get the band part - music is soul sighting. A gift you are sharing with the world. But your house? You haven't seen my house? It seems odd, and yet this is truly the sort of thing you think about. I wish so and so could have seen my garden this year. I think so and so would really have loved these earrings. That tie would have been fantastic on so and so. Who the fuck cares about that?

And yet it's what goes through our heads as we grieve. As if they are missing out on these tiny little details that make life..... life.

To those I have lost - some recent, some past - I miss you for who you are, who you were, the place you held in my life and you still hold in my heart. But I'm not sorry that you are not here to see my cat offer up another damned hairball on the carpet.

Anyway, the point is that I miss you all. And in one very specific case, this song is so poignantly true... A part of me thinks perhaps I knew that you would be gone too soon. Perhaps that is why the song always made my cry. J, I miss you and I love you. You were a rare gem.

In my head today: Too much shit, not enough space

It's not so much that the song has been going through my head all day - though I have listened to it 3-4 times. It's just that this song matches the knot in the pit of my stomach so well.

Yesterday's video was about moving through fear. Today it is about the anxious pile of goo that rumbles in my stomach - sitting squarely on some chakra that I cannot name.

It was either use this video, or "She's Lost Control" by Joy Division. Of the two, this video and song are slightly less frightening to me. Tonight this Brian Jonestown Massacre song is an uneasy fit on my shoulders, and tonight Joy Division is a straightjacket.

It's sure catchy as hell though, isn't it?

"It damned near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see."

The knot grows. Today I was thinking about broken people. I am a broken person, so I speak from experience here. And I thought to myself about people who have little pieces broken off inside. Things that "damned near took [their] life and kicked the shit out of [them]." We are like vases. The beautiful, rare vase sitting on the mantle that falls and breaks. You can painstakingly glue the pieces together, but you never really get a vase out of it. You get pieces of glass glued together. It has its own beauty - perhaps the act of gluing it back makes it look more like a piece of fine art than a functional vase. But it is not a vase.

So it is with broken people. I am glued back together. I am glued by a strong epoxy and I'm not going to break again (act as if, so be it), but I am not a vase. And that is actually okay. I LIKE broken people. Those that have managed to glue themselves back together are beautiful, strong people with a will to survive. They are the "fuck the world I'm sticking around" people.

I think of Ian Curtis (going back to Joy Division) - I've only just discovered him. I am a woman over 40 with a passion for music, and I didn't ever land on JOY DIVISION? What the fuck is wrong with me?? Oh yea, I grew up in a little shit town with one radio station. Riiiiiight. I'll flog myself for that later.

Anyway, suicide. It scares me, and at the same time I have some kind of attraction to it. I've walked that line before. I don't walk it anymore. So listen person who is not reading this, I am NOT suicidal okay? Don't go rounding up the looney wagon for me. I'm just saying, there is something about pondering it, playing with it in my head that keeps me strong.

I am strong because I am weak. You dig?

more about "brian jonestown massacre - dropping b...", posted with vodpod

In my head today - Ian Brown F E A R

In my head today: F E A R - Ian Brown.

This song and video are new to me. The lyrics are fantastic. I was hooked up to the backwards version (thank you once again Anton!), but there is a forward version as well, of course.

It's the idea of transforming fear that really touches me in this. There are those that live IN fear, and there are those that live THROUGH fear. For Everthing A Reason. I am generally living in fear. No matter how much I tell myself "A tree never asks permission to grow" (something an incredibly wise woman once told me), all-too-often I still second guess myself, ignore the scary stuff, stay stuck in the shit... you name it. I am on a constant Be Who You Are quest. I know who I am inside, but showing it isn't always comfortable. I pick and choose where and how I show myself.

The line to remember:

Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Finding everything and realizing
For everything a reason


Fear

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Find everybody and rule
For everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason
Forgive everybody and remember

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Face everybody and rule
For everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

Final eternity arouses reactions
Freeing excellence affects reality
Fallen empires are ruling
Find earth and reef

Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Final execution and resurrection
Free expression as revolution
Finding everything and realizing

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

(Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Finding everything and realizing
For everything a reason)

F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear

In my head today: Artificial Joy Club - I Say - Live

It's a two-fer day:

Blah, blah, blah
The V chip on my tongue's gone berserk
One channel left
I hope you like my talk show network
Can dress me up
Can't take me out
I'll make you squirm
Without a doubt
(chorus)
I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble
I feel what I say, I don't care anyway
I do what (who) I like, it doesn't make me humble
[ Artificial Joy Club Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
I like what (who) I do, it's just my attitude

Steven Austin and I both have bionic mouths
His saves the world, mine just spews whatever out
Sometimes my foot gets really stuck
Inside my mouth
I don't give a fuck

Hey badabing, hey badaboom!
My lines don't come on silver spoons
You don't get refunds when you buy my brand of etiquette

In my head today: Spill the wine Video#

Eric Burdon & War - Spill the wine Video#

Furthering our fondness for flute....

Eric Burdon & War: Spill the Wine

Okay I'll be honest, this tune is not exactly the one in my head today. But this is a kick-ass version of one of the very first songs I ever remember hearing. Shows my age I guess. It has a vibe to it that hits me emotionally every time I hear it. As a young girl, the part that was cool to me was him laying in a field of tall grass. I was a kid, and didn't really get the meaning of the song, ya dig?

The reason that line stuck with me was because that was exactly what I'd do, lay in a large field of tall grass. Hot summer days, I'd wander out into the empty lot beside our house and make myself a little fort. A spot just big enough for an 8 year old. Maybe it looked like a crop circle from above. I was hiding in plain sight, away from... well a lot of stuff. I don't know if people really coudn't see me, or if they humored the poor troubled girl in that green house. Either way, I felt at peace.

Plus, the flute! The flute, the beat, Eric Burdon's amazing voice. It was groovy baby.

In My Head Today: Koyaanisqatsi

So much for commenting on short videos.

Definition: ko.yaa.nis.katsi (from the Hopi language), n. 1. crazy life. 2. life in turmoil. 3. life disintegrating. 4. life out of balance. 5. a state of life that calls for another way of living.

I could pretend that this in my head because of the destruction of the planet - sadness at how we've treated Mother Earth. It would be true, but it would be a lie. It is really the meaning of the title that runs through my head these days. Life out of Balance. Life in turmoil. Crazy Life.

What I go through in life is miniscule in the grand scheme of things. The world it far-too littered with stories much harsher and harder to stomach than my own small piece of turmoil. But I've come to understand that this is still my reality, and it is what affects me the most. So whether it is measely or not, I do have to pay attention to it. Simply comparing situations and moving on doesn't help me out of the hole at all. All it does is make me feel guilty. Well screw that, you know?

One of my "friends" on facebook had the nerve to make a joke after I'd posted a note regarding my mother. I am talking about having to leave a poor, defenseless 80 year old woman with advanced Alzheimer's (aka my mother) all by herself, and this asshat is making some stupid f-ing comment about sexy hot babes. There are times when lightening the mood is cool, and times when you just end up being a shithead.

So I am Koyaanisqatsi. And I'm just a small part of a gigantic Life out of Balance.

Life all around us is in turmoil.

"Who Killed Sgt. Pepper?"

In my head today: Forgetfulness - Billy Collins Animated Poetry

Just encountered this poem - animated poetry. There is an irony in the topic. Forgetfulness. Where does forgetfulness stop and dementia begin? This is a line I already worry about. My own forgetfulness - is it an overload of imagination? Is it too much or too little information? Is it the hazy, liquid murder of my brain cells? Is it genetics? Well, there is much to think about there. Or perhaps I can forget it and move on.

__________________________________________

Forgetfulness
The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Billy Collins
Former US Poet Laureate

In my head: crushed - brian jonestown massacre

"Dry my eyes in a cool breeze"

Jeezuz that line gives me goosebumps.

Crushed - a.newcombe

I'm tired of living alone
I've just discovered alone
I feel uncovered with you
I feel right here
I'm kind of silly I know
I'm not your lover although
I shouldn't bother
I fall for the deep clear

Eyes blue
And you know
I'm in line with you here

I've tried to give you enough
I learned from living it rough
I think I know when I must
Make myself clear
I'm tired of living alone
And discovered alone
When I'm uncovered with you
I feel right here

Can't you see
I can fly
But I'm not free

Careful you
All alone
In the clear blue clear

And if you see
I can fly
But I'm not free

It's kind of silly I know
I'm not your lover although
I shouldn't bother
I fall for the deep clear

I can fly through the clear blue

Carefree
Dry my eyes in a cool breeze
Can't you see I've a soul too
I suppose I really love you will
I'm in love with a lie still
And carefree
I can fly but I'm not free here
I can fly but I'm not free

In my head today: Jeff LaBansky "Piece of your heart"

Total shock on this one. On a whim, I "YouTubed" (is that also a verb now?) an old friend of mine - Jeff Labansky. From another time and place. How crazy that The Longest Hair in Rock and Roll was actually here!! FANtastic. This was the first song I ever heard Jeff play, and the guitar hook hooked me hook, line, and sinker, so to speak. This guy could shred a guitar. I had just been thinking about him putting a stick of incense in the strings while he played. All Shaman and shit, I guess.

Ya, it's the 80's. Jeff's hair was even poofier than usual - but man that was his hair! Close your eyes and listen - the voice, the hook - 80's or not this is good stuff. He put on a fantastic show.

Updated 5/25/12: Jeff has a new presence on the Internet, so here is a new link for you: https://www.facebook.com/pages/LaBansky/140122152688035


Siren

In my head today: The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Bring Me The Head Of Paul McCartney On Heather Mills Wooden Peg

I don't think this need any explanation at all. But I will say this:

"Oh man it's dropping out of heaven and it's bringing the word
The wicked fucking sound that you never have heard"

yo dat.

Words and music by anton newcombe (youtube.com/antonfjordson)

Oh man it's dropping out of heaven and it's bringing the word
The wicked fucking sound that you never have heard

I'll tell you all about it cause it's spoken to me
It damn near took my life and kicked the shit out of me, you see?

Now it walks with my soul and it lives with my mind
And it's got a big gun and it's hunting mankind

Shiny leather boots and a big set of wings
Many fucking presents for the children it brings

Flying through the heavens and it's made out of stars
It's walking on fire to the place that you are
Here it comes

So grab your silver bullets and sharpen your stakes
And lock your fucking doors for Jesus sakes

Because it's reading your mind and it's ruined this land
And it's speaking in German and things you don't understand

While it's fucking your girlfriend and it's flying in space
And it's putting you to shame as it spits in your face

Then it flies back to Heaven and it sleeps with the stars
And it's eating up planets and it's playing guitar

In fact it's playing right now

In my head today: dada the band performs "Surround"

I wish there were a better video of this song. If you've not heard Dada (the band) they are worth a listen. In my experience their songs often have a surprising quality about them. By that I mean you think you know what the next chord will be because you've heard that progression a thousand times before, but what comes next doesn't sound like anything you've heard before. If I were a damned musician, I could explain it better.

This isn't necessarily their "best" song. Not sure that there is ONE best song. But in my head is this story:

Many years ago I had a job I hated. I mean, I HATED this job. The boss was verbally abusive and I didn't see any way out. Each morning, I'd sit in the parking lot outside. I'd dread going in, and often I'd sit and cry for a good 10 minutes. (I know, what a fucking loser, right?)

Then I'd turn this song on. Turn it way up, close my eyes, and think of what Surrounds me. Not to get totally woo-woo bullshit but I could wrap myself up in the music and let it surround me with something positive.

Buy the CD (Puzzle), listen to the song in headphones, really, really loud.

Then listen to the rest of it and any other album they've put out. You'll be surprised.

In my head today: Brian Jonestown Massacre - Yeah Yeah

This song, and this version of it, hit me on an emotional level. A lot of BJM music does that. But this one speaks to the part of me that hears that little voice scream in my head. I've searched for a good copy of the full lyrics and I don't find anything I think actually comes close. Maybe some day Anton Newcombe will come out with a book of poetry based on his lyrics. That would be totally cool. I am not kidding - his words are amazing.

Anyway I'd leave it to others to interpret the exact words he's singing in this video - or hey you know Anton could drop by here anytime and clarify them right? (har har) What I hear is the ringing of my own pain in my ears, of all the voices that scream in my head, that feel so scary, that tell me to worry.....

What runs in your head?

A first message to myself

A blog where I can add my thoughts about the stuff I'm watching. Just for me.