In my head today - a different direction

It just happens that I came upon this video shortly before I started rehearsals for the new show. So instead of whining about some problem or being saddened by the words to some song, I thought I'd just share the joy that is Brian Atene. I don't know him, but I love him anyway.

The start of a new show is always both exciting and terrifying. This one is particularly nerve-wracking and exciting as it is a new company and a difficult role. It is also a show I probably should not be doing, simply because of my life. But that is another story. I consider this the last time I'll do any acting for a while. I don't mean that in the "all actors say that" way - I mean very specifically that it is unlikely I'll be able to fit a show into the demands of taking care of my mother.

So, let's hope it is a good one, then! If all else fails perhaps I'll break out a little Outsiders monologue. Pony Boy is always popular with the local audiences....

Hey, worked for Brian Atene. Bravo, sir, bravo!!

In my head today: Gravenhurst - Black Holes in the Sand

It's interesting to think about what it is that "gets" me in a song. There are a variety of things that can do it. Sometimes it's a great "hook," sometimes there's something haunting in a melody, sometimes it is a combination. In this particular case, it is two things. First, the visual in the video takes me someplace lovely. It eerily matches my Channel, you'll notice.

But before I saw this video, what got me was a single line:

"In the small hours, I realize what I have done"

I spend a lot of time thinking about those things in the "small hours" - I can be nodding off the entire evening, barely able to get my clothes off and get into bed. But as soon as the light goes out and the quiet time sets in.... little voices begin whispering to me. Lists start forming in my head, images of things done and undone pass by. Some float easily away and move the next image into my head. Other times they sit. The image plants itself, and then it slowly morphs from one image to the other, each one more distressing than the last.

When I am lucky, these images are of simple things. Why did I forget to call the mechanic becomes an image of me on the side of the road w/ my car broken down. the image of an impending meeting turns into me sitting at my desk with no way to finish my projects. Items for the grocery list float by. Mundane things. Those are the easy ones.

Others are much more painful. The larger things. The damage that once done cannot be undone. The damage of what has been left undone too long. Most nights, I see my mother sitting alone in her house, quiet and frightened - not moving much, not really doing anything but staring, and crying. Crying from fear, crying from a feeling of utter abandonment, wondering why there is no one there to care for her. Often I will hear my father's voice, wondering why I have to work so much, why he never gets to see me. Standing at his grave wondering how I missed so much of his last years - the only years we really had together. Just a reminder about priorities, and lessons I should have learned by now.

In the small hours, I realize what I have done.

Or not done.

In my head today - Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt. God, what a moment when I discovered them! Like finding myself. You want to know who I am? Listen to the following songs:

Seether:


Volcano Girls:


How many years did I spend being the girl with the temper? No,I mean REALLY a temper. Nothing like living up to the stereotype of the angry redhead. And then once I was "sane", how many years have I tried to drag the Seether back into its hole, kicking and screaming and fighting and hitting things? No, I'm not angry anymore. No, life's good and I'm calm, I'm a f*#%ing optimist, okay?

No really, life is good.

In my head today: Storm Large - Great Day

Being from Portland, we actually have a wealth of talent. Folks talk about Everclear and of course the Dandy Warhols. But my favorite is Storm Large. There is not a better role model for women than Storm. She has risen from the ashes of a pretty shitty life and allowed herself to be who she is. And who she is is a POWERFUL force. Obviously beautiful physically, but - more importantly, IMHO - beautiful of soul as well. Her talent is mind-boggling, and thoroughly unique. I can't tell you, "oh she's like...." because truly there is no one like her! Watch this sample. Let me know if you agree.

There are many many videos available. I have chosen "Great Day" because it just makes me so damned happy everytime I hear it. It is.... driven. There is an underlying intensity, like she is willing the day to be great, through the shit, simply through her own power. Sometimes the day just needs a little nudge, you know? The storyline is just hysterical. I even modeled one of my audition monologues after the final character in the song.

Also, awesome bass line.

In my head today: My Bloody Valentine

This is not the best audio version of the song, there are other videos that can show that. The reason I've got this version here is because it fits my image of My Bloody Valentine so well. I've had this group in my personal favs for years. This song and Only Shallow evoke such a mood in me.... it is dark and twisty and yet comfortable and calm. Hard to describe.

Oddly (for my age and geographic region), I have never taken any psychedelic drugs before. Not opposed to 'em, but my mind is complicated enough, right? This song has always made me FEEL how I imagine I'd feel if I were tripping. I go into an altered state that I can't describe. It physically alters my mood - probably even more with Only Shallow.

I have always had an impossible time trying to imagine any actual people behind this music. You know how you can get an image in your head - maybe you think the guitar player has a mohawk or the lead singer is a blonde. These guys... nothing. I can only barely grasp that this is music and not something much, much more profound and moving.

So now that I've started spending more time with YouTube and VodPod, I thought I'd take a look around for MBV. And this one matched my vision. Lights and movement and music and people - it looks hot and close and confined and divine. Yep, pretty much what's in my head.

Other links:

My Bloody Valentine - Soon

My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow

In my head today: River Run

This is one of the most haunting songs of loss I've ever heard. Not because it is about River Phoenix. I mean ya, sad he died and he was gone too soon. But that's not what I'm talking about here. In fact, had I found another video without him in it, I would have used it.

It's the sound of Beth Sorrentio's grieving voice. The feeling of loss is universal. Someone dies and then you slowly remove every part of their existence. Cancel their Social Security number, remove them from the world in ways both big and small. It is a horrible feeling, as if you are literally erasing them. They get more and more faint, until one day most of them is just invisible.

Maybe with the internet that is a little different. If I died (okay listen, going back to yesterday's post, I am NOT suicidal!) there would certainly be a record of me on the Internet. I'm all over the place. You dear reader (who is not there) don't know this, but I do have a few tiny spots here and there where I will live on in Internet Eternity. Not including this, which is merely an easier way of me talking to myself (talking through myself) than the muttering I usually do, or the journal I used to write.

But back to the point. Loss. In particular death, and this song. The other thing that strikes me is the strange things we feel the dead have missed out on. "You haven't heard my band yet, you haven't seen my house" Okay I get the band part - music is soul sighting. A gift you are sharing with the world. But your house? You haven't seen my house? It seems odd, and yet this is truly the sort of thing you think about. I wish so and so could have seen my garden this year. I think so and so would really have loved these earrings. That tie would have been fantastic on so and so. Who the fuck cares about that?

And yet it's what goes through our heads as we grieve. As if they are missing out on these tiny little details that make life..... life.

To those I have lost - some recent, some past - I miss you for who you are, who you were, the place you held in my life and you still hold in my heart. But I'm not sorry that you are not here to see my cat offer up another damned hairball on the carpet.

Anyway, the point is that I miss you all. And in one very specific case, this song is so poignantly true... A part of me thinks perhaps I knew that you would be gone too soon. Perhaps that is why the song always made my cry. J, I miss you and I love you. You were a rare gem.